


For Now I Will Stay Alive

by Medvsa



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Cigarettes, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, Overdose, Recovery, Relapsing, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, trigger warning, tw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2019-09-07 01:08:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 31,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16844089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Medvsa/pseuds/Medvsa
Summary: With his first tour behind him, Josh returns to L.A. to get back to work with Tyler after a short vacation. With the band blowing up and another tour already being put together, can Josh cope with the stress of being a real life rockstar while also battling the relapse that snuck up on him during their break?((This is a rough draft and I will definitely be editing it before I mark it as complete - assuming I actually finish this one))





	1. Prologue

**Prologue**

Josh analyzed the man standing in the mirror, his brown eyes locked on the little pouch sticking out over the waistband of his jeans, filling him with disgust. It wasn't much, barely enough to notice unless you were looking for it. However, Josh was looking for it. Not only that, but he was obsessing over it. He couldn't tear his eyes away from the protruding pale flesh. The longer he stared at it, the bigger it seemed to be. Panic welled up in his throat and he forced his eyes away from his reflection, taking deep breaths and running a trembling hand through his fading magenta hair. 

He could fix this. He'd done it before. 

_But before was when everything went wrong._

He knew it was risky. He knew how slippery of a slope this was. One day he'd be skipping lunch and the next he'd be two pounds away from a date at the hospital with a tube down his throat. 

_I'll be careful this time - better. I know what went wrong last time, I can control this._

Deep down Josh knew he was being ridiculous. There was no way of controlling this. Once he let the monster have even a whiff of that power he knew it would be all consuming. 

Nevertheless, when Tyler asked Josh what he wanted for lunch he simply replied with ' _I'm not hungry'._


	2. Chapter One - Cigarettes and Strawberry Skies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ay, I am NOT condoning smoking, especially not as an appetite suppressant. Just tryna keep things real

**Chapter One**

It was impulsive, it was risky, but _god_ , was it familiar.

The convenience store smelled like stale hot dogs and spoiled milk, with a tinge of urine. His black Vans stuck to the stained white linoleum, the fluorescent lights blinding after walking here through the hot summer night. His stomach was cramping with hunger. It had only been a little over 12 hours since his last meal, just a bagel with a thin smearing of butter, but he felt as though he hadn't eaten in days. He knew this is normal, the numbness wouldn't kick in for a few more days, maybe even a week. For now, all he could do was gather some supplies to make the transition a little easier. 

His feet directed him towards the large coolers in the back. He reached out and gripped the cold metal handle, pulling open the glass door and retrieving a bottle of water. Next he grabbed a few packs of sugar free mint gum and headed for the counter. 

"Is that everything?" The guy asked, the boredom painted on his face seeping into his words. He was a little younger than Josh, maybe 18 or 19 years old, with greasy brown hair hanging over his forehead. His blue work shirt was stained with what looked like mustard and something brown. Josh's heart skipped a beat as he opened his mouth. 

"Nah, uh, give me a pack of Marlboro Blacks," He muttered, "And a lighter." He began digging in his back pocket for his wallet to distract himself from the shame rising in his chest. It had taken him three years to quit smoking and here he was throwing it all away at 3:45 am in a dirty convenience store. 

The kid threw the pack down on the counter and read out the total to Josh, who placed a twenty dollar bill next to the items and told the kid to keep the change, not even waiting for a bag and a receipt. 

He was a block away in an instant, peeking over shoulders and down alleyways. The likelihood of anyone spotting him and actually caring was minimal, but he couldn't shake the anxiety and guilt clawing away at his empty intestines. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out the cigarettes, tearing open the packaging without even bothering to pack them. He took a deep drag and sighed, fighting back the urge to cough.

It had been years and it still reminded him of home. He had flashbacks to his teenage years- smoking in the alley behind an unfamiliar school with the rogue band kids, chasing joints with cigarettes in the back seat with the first boy he loved as they sped down the highway, the flavor of the tobacco blending with the lingering taste of whiskey and vomit in the back of his abused throat -a kaleidoscope of memories washing over him as he breathed the smoke out of his lungs. The nostalgia was almost as addicting as the nicotine itself.

He walked around for hours, chain smoking and ignoring the thoughts of guilt and regret that threatened to infect his brain. His head spun from the rush of nicotine flooding his system and he reveled in the dizziness that overtook him, the emptiness that possessed his body and mind. It was the most at peace he had felt in months, wandering down unfamiliar streets with the moon and stars as the only witnesses to the sins he was committing. The town he had taken refuge in after the tumultuous events of the last tour was small, Josh encountered no other living soul as he walked from dusk till dawn. He watched in bewilderment as the sky turned from a deep indigo to a delicate bubblegum pink. He went to check the time on his phone before realizing it had been dead for hours. He soon wandered upon a small, green park and took a seat on the grass, the dew seeping through his khaki shorts. He didn't mind, his head was tipped back as he watched the sun rise over the insignificant world he was living in, and he took another drag of his last cigarette before closing his eyes and lying back on the wet lawn. 


	3. Chapter Two - I Don't Blame You for Being You

**Chapter Two**

Josh silently entered the small apartment he had been residing in for the past month, the back of his t-shirt still damp from the grass at the park. 

The apartment was the picture of that flavor of loneliness that surrounds the solitary youth of his generation. He had only brought with him what he had packed form tour, opting to leave the rest of his belongings at his childhood home where the memories couldn't poison him. The walls were bare, cabinets empty, and furnishings impersonal. If it weren't for the occasional creaking of the front door and squeaking of the shower faucets that could be heard through the thin walls, the neighbors would have thought the apartment to be vacant. 

Josh wandered into the dark living room, curtains remaining drawn since before he had even moved in. The entire apartment had a yellow-tinge to it; not the bright, exciting yellow but that nauseating dusty color that remains when all signs of life have abandoned the scene. He sat on the worn couch that had been left by the previous owners, setting the gum and now empty water bottle on the scratched and scuffed coffee table before him. He plugged in his phone, despite the deep want for isolation that had been blooming in his chest for the past few months. He knew that if he didn't sustain contact with the real world that people would get worried. He briefly thought about taking a shower and maybe even having something for breakfast before resting his head on the meager cushion beside him and drifting off into fitful sleep. 

-

Josh woke a little after one in the afternoon to his phone buzzing hard enough to vibrate the whole couch. 

Tyler was calling him. He had three missed calls from him, as well as two others for management. That could only mean one thing-

They needed to get an album together. 

Josh reluctantly answered the call and rubbed the sleep from his eyes as Tyler began babbling in his ear. 

"Josh, ohmygod I've been trying to talk to you for the past _hour_ ," Tyler whined playfully, his high-pitched voice aggravating the headache Josh had been nursing since he had last seen his best friend, "The label wants us in Los Angeles as soon as we can get there. We need to start working on the next album. I have a few things written down and have been messing with some stuff on the guitar but, of course, none of it is concrete until management gets their hands on it-" Tyler kept talking but Josh was zoning out, only processing the key points of Tyler's monologue - talk of albums and demos, merch and advertising, music video ideas, lyrics and melodies, all of it passing desperately through Josh's brain before being discarded. All Josh could think about was how he was going to survive in the world Tyler was describing. He had spent years dreaming of the day he could play in front of a stadium full of people, when he could share his music and have an influence on the world, but now all he could focus on was the fear and dread of being in front of all of those people. He couldn't stand the thought of letting his fans down - letting Tyler down. His thoughts were a whirlwind of anxiety and doubt. Everyone was expecting him to come back and be the Josh that he was when _Regional at Best_ dropped, and he didn't know if he could be that person anymore. 

He didn't even know if he could be Tyler's best friend anymore.

"Josh, are you listening?" Tyler asked exasperatedly, having noticed his best friend's absence in the conversation. 

"Hm?" Josh hummed, willing his brain to focus on the present, "Yeah, I'm here."

"I'm booking a flight to Los Angeles for tomorrow morning. We have to be at the studio by 9am on Monday to start working on some new stuff." He said seriously. 

"What day is it today?" Josh asked sheepishly, praying that Tyler didn't read too much into the question. 

"It's Friday," Tyler countered. He had definitely noticed. Josh needed to get out of this conversation immediately, he needed to think for a while. 

"Okay. Thanks, buddy, see you Monday." He blurted, quickly ending the phone call as soon as the words had left his mouth, cutting Tyler off mid-sentence. 

Josh put his head in his hands, rubbing his palms across his forehead. 

He had a little over 60 hours to get his shit together. 

The first step was breakfast.


	4. Chapter Three- I Feel Numb Most of the Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long since I last updated. I've had a lot of shit going on and, since this is kind of a journal for me, you'll probably figure out why later on.  
> There will be some heavy drug use later on and possibly a suicide attempt, so just a TW to everyone out there.  
> Take care of yourselves <3

**Chapter Three**

When Josh walked into his old apartment he was hit with a wave of emotion, old memories washing over him like boiling water, sending him into a spiral of feelings he hadn't experienced since tour. Feelings from when he could still talk to people, when he still had feelings and knew how to be a real person.  
He sat his bags down by the door and lied down on the couch, wrapping himself in the throw blanket that was lying there in a wrinkled ball. It smelled like home but it made him nauseous.  
He hadn't seen Tyler yet, and he wasn't in much of a hurry. Josh was out of practice when it came to human interaction. He felt like a dinosaur, a fossil. He wasn't even sure his vocal chords worked anymore, talking was such a foreign concept to him these days. The only purposes his mouth had been serving recently was to swallow pills and alcohol and then throw them back up once they'd served their purpose.  
His phone was ringing again and he groaned internally as he answered it, rolling over onto his side and looking at his unused living room. There was nothing on the coffee table but a copy of the self-titled album and a remote, the TV covered with a fine layer of dust. The curtains were open, the sun shining into the room almost blindingly, but he was too exhausted to go close them.  
"Hello?" He croaked into the phone, clearing his throat and cursing himself for not checking caller I.D. before answering.  
"Josh! Are you in L.A. yet?" Tyler exclaimed on the other side. Josh squinted at the analog clock on the wall, it was 11 am. He still had a little less than 24 hours before he needed to be at the studio. Tyler probably wanted to meet up. Great.  
"Yeah, I just got back," He said, closing his eyes and resting his head back on the cushion, the headache he'd been nursing for the past week coming back full-blast. He rubbed his pounding temples with one hand.  
"Awesome! I was wondering if you maybe wanted to meet up? We could go to that diner downtown for lunch, maybe talk about some new ideas for the album." Food, yes, he remember that. Josh had meant to eat after Tyler had called him on Friday, but he had to run to the store to get more cigarettes and totally forgot to buy food. When he got home it was already time for bed, and then he slept through breakfast. He went to get lunch before he left for the airport but there was no food in the apartment so he left on an empty stomach. The plane was delayed and he didn't want to risk missing it to get dinner so he just waited instead, and then he slept all the way here.  
"Josh?"  
"Huh? Oh, yeah, lunch. Sounds great." He mumbled, pushing himself up and looking himself over. He'd been wearing the same clothes for the past few days and no doubt reeked, he could probably use a shower and a cigarette sounded like a good idea.  
"Is 1 okay?"  
"Yeah, 1 would be great. See ya there," He rushed, standing to go to his bag where he had a pack of smokes in the front pouch.  
"Cool, bye, Josh!"  
He grabbed a glass from the kitchen as a makeshift ash tray, he really should buy one if he was going to keep this habit up. After lighting the cigarette, Josh briefly tried to remember if he was allowed to smoke in his apartment, but he just opened the window and called it good. He was a rockstar, he could do what he wanted.  
After a scalding shower he grabbed a change of clothes from the bag and checked himself in the mirror. His hair was faded and his natural brown hair was growing out, almost making him look like a chocolate covered strawberry. His skin was pale, almost gray, and there were deep bags under his eyes. Basically: Josh looked like shit. There wasn't enough time to fix that now, though, so he called it good and grabbed his phone and wallet before heading out the door.

-

The diner was a welcome sight. It looked exactly as it had when Tyler and Josh first came here on their second day in L.A. It was one of those vintage places, it looked like it came straight out of a Norman Rockwell, with it's red neon lights and black checkered tile floors. There weren't many people there, despite it usually being a pretty popular place. There was a couple sitting at the bar, but other than that it was almost bare. In the far corner, though, Tyler was already sitting in a green booth, his menu held in front of him so he couldn't see Josh walking towards him. He slid in and shot Tyler a shy smile.  
"Hey, man, how are you doing?" Tyler asked, the smile he sent Josh faltering slightly as he took in the other man's shabby appearance. Josh knew he looked like shit, and he could see the concern leaking into Tyler's eyes.  
"Ah, I'm alright. Been feeling a little sick lately, I think I caught a bug but its going away," Josh replied, coming up with the excuse off the top of his head. He always was a decent liar. "What have you been up to?"  
"I've been in Columbus visiting with family. It was nice after tour, it was so hard to keep in contact with them. Don't get me wrong, tour was a blast, it was just nice to chill for a bit, yknow?"  
"Yeah, I feel the same," Josh said, wondering what his family had been up to. He talked to his mom a few times on the phone, and Jordan, Ashley, and Abigail called him on his birthday, but other than that he'd mostly been keeping to himself.  
"So where have you been, man? No one's heard from you in a while, and you weren't in Columbus." Tyler set his menu down as Josh picked his up, mostly scanning the items to avoid meeting his best friend's eyes.  
"Oh, I was just taking some time for myself, y'know. I rented an apartment a few towns away and just spent some time relaxing and trying to find myself."  
"You find anything interesting?" He asks.  
"You could say that." Josh respond, giving no additional information.  
"Are you guys ready to order?" The waitress asks, a slim blonde wearing a red checkered apron over a vintage white, button up waist dress.  
"Yeah, I'll have a burger and a milkshake," Tyler answered, getting his usual. Josh panicked slightly, despite holding his menu up he hadn't really been reading it and hadn't been here in almost a year.  
"Uh, I'll have the chef's salad and a glass of iced tea," He stuttered, biting at his lip and handing her the menu, trying to keep his hands from shaking too visibly.  
"Okay, I'll be right back with that in a moment," She said, giving the pair a red lipped smile.  
"So, you said you had some ideas for some new music?" Josh prompted Tyler, trying to break the awkward silence that had overtaken the booth.  
"Yeah, here," He pulled a small notebook out of his bag and opened it, laying it down on the table so we could see the pages. "I was thinking maybe this time we could go with a little darker theme, maybe something that the kids can really relate to."  
"That sounds cool, did you have any lyrics you were working on?"  
He showed Josh some of the stuff he had been working on, as well as some rough sketches and a concept drawing for the album cover. There were intricate doodles here and there, along with some weird symbols that had become the norm for the band's image. He was talking about some new themes he wanted to work into this album, songs about self-discovery and battling your demons. It all sounded so cool and Josh just sat there in awe, amazed at how his best friend could just pull these things out of his brain and make them into art.  
The waitress brought them their food and Tyler dug in while Josh picked impishly at his salad, sipping his tea more than anything. Despite having gone without food for the better half of the past week, he didn't really feel hungry. He knew Tyler was watching him with a worried eye so he forced down as much as he could handle but that ended up being less than half the plate. Josh laughed away the concern, blaming it on outrageous portion sizes despite it being a normal sized salad.  
They talked about the album some more and soon it was dark outside and the waitress seemed to be getting annoyed.  
"Well I guess I'll see you tomorrow," Tyler said, packing up his notebook and laying down his half of the tip.  
"Yeah, I'll see ya there," Josh laid down his half of the tip as well. Tyler wrapped Josh in a hug, startling the small man and causing him to wince, but Tyler didn't notice.  
"Take care of yourself," He whispered, and when he pulled away Josh saw a tearful smile on his face. Yeah, he was worried.  
"Goodnight," He said and rushed out the door, hurrying around the other end of the block to escape anymore interaction.  
Josh lit a cigarette and started walking home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited june 30th, 2019


	5. Chapter Four- I'm A Stitch Away From Making It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a short chapter but its just a filler  
> idk when i'll update. hopefully itll be soon but i also kinda just wanna end my l!f3 so maybe this'll be the last chapter  
> (jk i'll prolly stay alive)

**Chapter Four**

My head was pounding when I entered the studio and I could already tell that it wasn't going to be a good day.

I had eaten breakfast for once. It was just a piece of toast with a thin smearing of strawberry jam but it was a start. Studio days were always a lot of work and I knew that I was going to need the energy. Despite that, however, the toast was burning a hole in my stomach and I couldn't wait until that empty feeling returned.

Tyler was already in the studio flipping through his little notebook. The scene was far too familiar and I felt stomach acid burning in my throat. Even the smell brought me back to last year, how much fun Tyler and I were having. We were younger, more naive. We didn't know all the pain and hard work that would go into being a musician. We were still running on the adrenaline, feeding off the idea that we had _finally made it_. We were famous, all of our hard work had paid off. We were going to be household names, everyone would know who Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun were. Kids would be hanging posters of us up on their walls, our CDs would be sold everywhere.

All of that came true, but our fame came with a bigger price. We weren't prepared for the screaming fans, the sneaky press, the incessant drama, the rumors, the guilt of not calling your mom for the third time that week, all of your old friends rising up from the time induced silence they had sunk into just to ask you for money. We weren't ready for all the temptation, the idea of how nice it would be to just sink into that drug induced haze that so many of our peers had fallen victim to. 

Tyler grinned at me as I entered the room, tossing my backpack into a corner and stretching my arms. The drum set was sitting innocently in the back of the room, taunting me. I hadn't touched a drumstick since I had entered that rented apartment three hours away. I hoped Tyler wouldn't notice my rustiness. 

We went over some of the lyrics he'd been working on and I finally got back into the motions of being in a band again. The music was beautiful, I had missed the feeling of just creating, especially creating with someone as talented and dedicated as Tyler. The music flowed out of him as if someone had turned on a faucet inside of him, beautiful noise filling up the room that was painstakingly designed to enhance the sound. The acoustics were perfect and Tyler was perfect and everything was just _perfect_. The empty feeling had started gnawing at my stomach again and I smiled for the first time in months as I pounded away at the drums. 

When we finally called it a day it was nearing 5pm and we hadn't accomplished much, other than getting back into the mindset of creating. Management probably wouldn't be happy with us for wasting an entire studio day but we were happy for the time being and that was all that mattered. 

Tyler asked me to go to dinner with him as we were leaving but I told him I had some important errands to run. Instead I went back to my apartment and laid down on the couch, reflecting on the day.

I had honestly been thinking about just quitting the whole band thing before I came back to L.A. Even on the flight over, I was still wary if this was the right thing to do. When we had first been signed it seemed like everything from that point on would be perfect. I could finally pay for my parents to retire, I could pay off the mortgage and pay for my sibling's tuition. I could take care of everyone I loved and could help so many kids out there the same way my favorite bands helped me. Back when I was a kid, being in a band seemed like paradise. I remember looking up to my favorite drummers and singing the lyrics that gave me the will to keep on living and thinking that the people who wrote those words must be so _happy_. I almost got nervous about it, thinking that if I ever did become a musician that I'd have nothing to write about because everything would be perfect and you can only sell so many happy songs when the general population is so miserable. I was so wrong though, it seemed that I had more troubles now than I ever did in high school. 

The guilt from these thoughts made my head swim. I felt like I was betraying Tyler somehow, almost living a double life. He was still so dedicated to the band, despite how heavily last tour wore on both of us. I wondered how he did it, how he handled it so well. Maybe Tyler was just stronger than me. Maybe I'm weak. 

I was running low on cigarettes and my kitchen was nearly bare when I started passing out on the couch. I had been in L.A. for three nights now and I had yet to even walk into my bedroom. My duffel bag was still sitting near the door where I had left it, I had been living out of it since I got back and I was dreading the day I had to wander out of the living room to find something clean to wear. 

Maybe I could just take these clothes to the laundromat. 

As if I could go into a laundromat like a normal person.


	6. Chapter Five- I'm Tired of Tending to this Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drug use/addiction  
> really just a vent piece, bear w me or don't read at all   
> xoxo happy motherfucking new years i guess  
> ((my dudebro Mike is an OC, not tryna make a bad name for anyone))  
> (((also- in case ya didn't get this- I'm not accusing Josh of ever starving himself, smoking cigarettes, or doing drugs. this is all just based on personal experience and its a place for me to bitterly vent my feelins&shit)))

**Chapter Five**

It started out innocently- if that's a word you can use when talking about this kind of stuff.

It was a studio day, a week after he and Tyler had returned to L.A.. Josh was in the bathroom taking a piss and having a mental breakdown, y'know, like you do. He had wiped his face for the fourth time before leaving the stall when he realized he wasn't alone in the bathroom. There was some guy at the urinal, just turning around as he zipped his fly back up. He didn't flush, Josh noted, slightly annoyed. He hated when people did that. 

"Hey," The guy said, recognition flooding his features, "Josh, how's it going, buddy?" 

"Oh, hey, Mike," Josh said. It was one of the roadies from last tour, the somewhat familiar face not exactly a welcome sight as it brought back memories of that god awful time on the road, "I'm doing alright, how about you?"

"Eh, y'know, _surviving_ ," Mike said, chuckling heartily with the last word. 

"Yeah, well," Josh said, awkwardly trying to cut the conversation short, "I'll be seeing you." 

"Wait, Josh, hold on," The other man called him back, digging in his cheap faux red leather jacket for something, "Y'know, you don't look so hot. I got something that could make you feel better." Mike tacked on a sly smile to the end of the sentence. Josh started shaking his head but he stopped himself, honestly thinking about it. He had never been much of a drug guy (outside of his teenage exploration and experimentation) but standing in this bathroom in L.A. and feeling as miserable as he was he started to see the appeal to all of it. His curiosity got the best of him. 

"What is it?" 

Mike held out his hand and showed Josh the contents. He had a small bag, no, not bag- there were three white pills in the clear plastic wrapper from a pack of cigarettes. Josh eyed the packet nervously, if not a little excited. 

"What is it?" He repeated, still peeking at the pills. He honestly didn't like the idea of doing drugs, but it would just be one time and, honestly? He was desperate.

"Oxycodone. 80mg each." Mike seemed proud, holding his sad little bag of magic beans in the bathroom of an upscale recording studio. 

"How much?" This took Josh back to his teenage years, haggling with the school dealer in the back hallway to get some Adderall or Xanax or whatever else was circulating around at the time. 

"For you? I'll let ya take 'em. Just this once though, don't go expecting freebies every time!" Mike chuckled again, tossing the makeshift bag to him. Josh caught it feebly, staring at the bag in his hands. He was captivated, the idea of being happy and thoughtless for a few hours was almost as intoxicating as he knew the drugs would be.

This was a lot harder than anything he'd ever done before. 

"Well, I'll be seeing ya," Mike said, repeating Josh's words from earlier, leaving him standing alone in the bathroom. Josh stood there for a few more minutes, holding the pills in his hands and thinking things over. _Fuck it_ , he thought impulsively, clumsily digging one of the pills out of the baggie. He filled his hand with water from the sink and washed the pill down. Not a second later the door swung open. Josh quickly shoved the remaining pills in his pockets before turning.

"Hey, you good? We've been waiting for you," Tyler said, looking curiously at his best friend. Josh pasted on a smile.

"Yeah, I am now," He said smiling softly. Tyler gave him an odd look before holding the door open. Josh walked past and his smile dropped, hating himself slightly for what he had just done- it was mostly guilt for adding yet another secret to the list that would just rip open the gaping canyon that was quickly building between he and his best friend. 


	7. Chapter Six- I'm Just Off, A Lost Cause, A Long Shot, Don't Even Take This Bet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> call me fall out boy cuz i'm out here w these long ass (chapter) titles  
> also, little update on how my life's going: i'm 17 and writing fucking twentyonepilot fanfiction because it's the only way i can cope with my life, one of my friend's in juvie for a crime he didn't commit, and my parents want me to dye my hair and then bleach it and redye it again for my senior pictures but at least i stopped abusing opiods and atavan so that's good right? (i actually just ran out lmao kms)  
> anyways here we are w another chapter anyone who reads these little notes gets a hug from me and a person request not to ever do drugs, starve yourself, cut yourself, or harm yourself in any other way because you all deserve better and i love each of you individually  
> also, i'm soooo sorry for all the terrible analogies and metaphors and what have you, i'm baked af rn  
> ALSO I'M REALLY SORRY BUT I FUCKED UP THE POV AND IDK HOW TO FIX IT SO I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE IT AND HOPE YOU GUYS DON'T MIND- this is a big problem of mine and my English teacher thinks it's absolutely hilarious.

**Chapter Six**

The days have started blending together. We've got four songs for the album and we plan on releasing it by the end of the year. Tyler's stoked, our managers are toasting champagne as we speak, and my seasonal depression is blowing in just like the leaves dying and falling off the trees. Not that I notice the depression so much- I don't notice much anymore. 

Mike got some stronger stuff this time and didn't think to tell me. He'd never given me anything that strong, usually I could just take a whole pill and have a nice day floating around, trailing Tyler like a balloon tied to his wrist as we went through the motions of every identical day. And so, that's how I ended up bent over the toilet, stomach acid dripping from my lips as my heart raced. Sweat pooled in the crevices of my face and the stall seemed to be spinning rapidly. I needed to leave, I'd already been in there too long and I knew Tyler would come looking for me soon- the producers hated it when we took too long in the bathroom. For the fourth time since I'd fallen to my knees, i grabbed a wad of toilet paper and brought it to my lips with a trembling hand. The nausea hadn't faded and my stomach was still rolling but my body had given up on heaving the water and bile out of my system. I pushed myself up on shaky legs and flushed the toilet, the water spinning around looking too much like how my head felt. I grabbed a bottle of water from the employee's break room before heading back to the studio- nodding at one of the janitors who was eating microwave lasagna at the table. When I was at the studio door I pulled my phone out to send a quick ' _wtf'_ to Mike. 

"Hey, man," Tyler said, his eyes focusing on the lyric sheet he was scrawling on with just a nub of a pencil, "We were just thinking maybe we could try out that new song." 

"The one about the fire?" I asked, putting the cap back on my bottle and stepping over to sit at my set. 

"Yeah, _Leave the City_ ," Tyler answered, licking his lips and setting the paper back down on top of the piano. I nodded even though he wasn't looking and grabbed my sticks from the floor, twirling them anxiously in my hand. 

Tyler stepped over to the microphone, slipping on the headphones and tapping his feet. We didn't really record the drums and the vocals at the same time, I was mostly playing just for practice, but I didn't mind. 

However, I wasn't ready for the lyrics. I had only glanced at them briefly, and even then only really read the second verse. So when Tyler's somber voice started pouring out and filling up the room, I started drowning in the meaning behind them. Guilt pooled in me slightly as I realized I didn't even know what Tyler had written it about, I didn't even know what struggles he was facing right now. The pills helped with that, but they couldn't cover up that pang in my stomach that hit me when he sang that first line. I stumbled slightly, missing part of the beat, but no one said anything. 

When we had called it a day, Tyler invited me to one of the producer's house later that night, they were having a little get together to celebrate how far we had been getting on the album. I almost said no, my living room couch was calling me and all I wanted to do was lay there and ride out the high until I passed out. However, the way Tyler had said 'please' sent another pang through my stomach and I found myself giving him a smile and asking him what time I needed to be there. 

I had four hours before the party so I headed back to my apartment, knowing I needed to prepare myself for such an intense event. I wasn't used to company, and especially not in what I'm sure was going to be a rather large gathering. I liked staying home, I liked it more than I ever have before. My couch was my only love, with the pills as a mistress. The pills made my apartment feel even better, more like a cave if I were a bear preparing for winter. With the curtains closed since the day I left for tour last year, I could pretend it's always three in the morning. Three in the morning was the perfect time, and my insomnia allowed me to enjoy it in bittersweet company with myself. Every once in a while i'd open the curtains a crack in the hopes that maybe I could see the stars, but the light pollution always kept them hidden away like a secret. 

I knew going to my apartment would be a mistake because the minute I collapsed onto the couch I knew I wasn't going to want to get up. I laid there in the darkness, letting my head spin and my mind wander aimlessly for at least a half an hour. My apartment was completely distraction free. The TV had been unplugged for the better part of a year, there was no landline and my cell phone was extraordinarily quiet, and all of my books were and instruments were kept in my bedroom, which I still hadn't yet ventured that far. I had gone as far as to wander to Walmart one night to purchase a new blanket and pillow so I wouldn't have to walk down the hallway to retrieve the old ones that smelled of a better time. 

When I finally dragged myself off the couch I realized I only had two hours left until I had to be at the house, and it was at least two miles away and I planned on walking. I needed to get ready, I'd been wearing the same sweatshirt and jeans for the past two days and it'd been even longer since I'd visited the shower. I slowly made my way to the bathroom, a bundle of relatively clean clothes in my arms. I stripped naked, feeling a little surprised at how baggy my pants were getting. My hipbones were starting to poke through my shrinking belly, and my calves were noticeably smaller. My arms were starting to lose their bulk, which I wasn't really all that excited about, but I guess that was just another sacrifice on my road to self destruction. 

I kept the water as hot as it would go, something I regretted five seconds later when i began to reluctantly wash my hair and watched the water turn pink as my hair faded even more. The red water dripped onto my skin, leaving long trails of diluted crimson, triggering even darker memories to spring into my head. Memories of scarlet rivulets running down arms and the shiny, glinting metal of the cursed image clenched in between fingers. 

I had zoned out slightly in the shower and so when I got out I realized I had only an hour to get to the house. It would take me at least an hour and a half to walk there, and I briefly considered just getting an Uber, but I eventually decided that it wouldn't be so bad if I was fashionably late. 

Twenty minutes later I was walking down the sidewalk in a different set of clothes, my hair slightly lighter than it had been before. I had thrown up again before I left the apartment, my stomach still clenching uncomfortably, but I thankfully didn't need to take anymore since the stuff from earlier was still hitting me. Walking enhanced some of the effects, helping me chill and chasing away the anxiety that was biting at my nerves with the impending social gathering. It was getting dark and I took advantage of that, slinking through some alleys so I could have a cigarette without the paparazzi nailing me, or a fan catching sight of me. I had miraculously been able to keep my bad habits from the public eye, and from Tyler's, and I was really hoping to keep it that way. 

I got to the guy's house almost two hours late but no one said anything. Tyler was already buzzed and threw an arm over my shoulder, leading me in and introducing me to people I didn't know before getting distracted by his wife who had come to L.A. to visit. 

I wandered around alone for a while, sipping hesitantly on a beer that someone had handed me within the first ten minutes of me being there. The beer was doing absolutely nothing to help my stomach and I was considering escaping to the bathroom before it was too late when I caught sight of some familiar faces. 

"Hey, Josh! Come over here!" I gravitated slowly towards Joe Trohman, the one and only, with Brendon Urie saddled up beside him on a couch in a small, exotic looking room with propped open bamboo doors. The room was pretty smoky and I could tell just by walking in that the ventilation was terrible and Joe, Brendon, and their friends were taking advantage of the fact to hot box it. Brendon pulled me into his lap, giving me a big grin and playing with his glasses. He held a blunt out to me and wagged it in front of my face a little bit. 

"How's it going? Do you want some of this?" He asked, giving me absolutely no time to answer the first question. I looked at the blunt nervously. I knew from the good old days that the weed would help ease my stomach and allow me to slip some booze in but I also knew that Tyler and a lot of other people were at this part, people I didn't necessarily want to know that I was doing drugs. I sat there for almost too long thinking it over before sighing. 

"What the hell, why not?" I said, biting my tongue to keep from adding a ' _don't add Tyler'._ I was a grown man, I could smoke weed if I wanted to. Besides, it was a party, and Joe and Brendon were here, could i really be expected to abstain? 

_You know this is against the band's image,_ I could hear my manager saying. I shook my head slightly and took a hit, coughing the smoke out. 

"Been a while, ay bud?" Joe chuckled, taking the blunt from me and taking a hit that was big enough to kill me. I gave him a quick smile between coughs, nodding. Brendon took a hit and blew it in my face, chuckling again before handing it back to me. 

I sat with them like that for a little over an hour. i had scooted off Brendon's lap and back onto the couch after one of the guys left the room. We finished the blunt and I kept a careful eye out for Tyler, but the more I smoked the less I cared and the better my stomach felt. My tolerance was insanely low after going so long without smoking and I definitely smoked more than I should have. 

I stumbled out of the room with a goofy grin on my face, Brendon blowing kisses noisily at me as Joe packed a bowl for them to smoke. My stomach was starting to spin again and I knew I was greening out. Smoking so much after abstaining for so long was bad enough, but smoking that much on an empty stomach was even worse. I headed to the living room where some of the guys from the studio were eating pizza and chatting. They offered me a piece and i took two, sitting and bullshitting with them for awhile. A small part of me knew I was going to regret eating the pizza but I did it anyways, I needed it to calm my stomach after the weed and if I planned on drinking I was gonna need something to soak it up. 

The night started to spin away from my memories after that. One minute I was eating pizza with the producers and the next I was taking shots with Ben McKee. Somehow I ended up in the bathroom, first vomiting because of the booze and then I liked the feeling so much I found my fingers down my throat. My fingernails were scraping my uvula when I heard a cat meowing at the door. I froze for a second, I didn't even know this guy had a cat. The bathroom was in a weird part of the house, though, and the house was pretty big. It took me about five minutes of drunken wandering to find this one. The cat kept meowing and I drunkenly wondered if maybe there was a litter box in the bathroom, but I never really checked. I wiped my mouth, flushed the toilet, and scooped a bit of water from the sink tap with my hand to rinse my mouth before opening the door. I looked down, expecting to see a cat, and instead saw a pair of Nikes. My eyes traveled up the legs until I was looking at Brendon holding a cat in his arms, Brendon being mid-meow. 

"Were you just meowing at the door?" I slurred, my voice hoarse from my sore throat. 

"Well the cat was at first and then I decided to join in," His glassy red eyes were squinting with laughter and his high and I chuckled before pushing past him to return to the party. He stayed where he was, standing in the hallway petting the cat. 

It was probably close to three in the morning when Tyler had finally caught up to me. I hadn't drank or smoked anymore but I was almost blackout and was flirting with a guy I'd never met. 

"Josh, there you are!" He said, smiling in relief, "I've been looking for you for like a half an hour." 

"Tyler!" I said too loudly, causing a few people to give me an amused look before returning to whatever they'd been doing, "What's up?" 

Tyler's smile fell and he nodded the guy away, putting a hand on my shoulder to steady me as I'd been rocking back and forth pretty hard. 

"Josh, how much did you drink?" He asked, his eyes sparkling a bit with concern. I shrugged and gave him a lopsided smile before pulling him into a hug. 

"Did you know that you're my _best_ friend?" I asked, putting my hand to his cheek and stroking slightly, "I love you, man. You're like a brother. I feel so bad though!" 

"Why do you feel bad?" He asked, clearly struggling not to push my hand away. 

"I can't tell you," I sang, putting a finger to my mouth and leaning most of my weight on him. He adjusted his arms to support me better and began leading me across the room. He stopped and looked at me, "Did you drive here?"

"Nope!" I said proudly, "I walked." 

"You walked three miles?" He asked exasperatedly and I nodded, giving him another grin. He shook his head and muttered, "We'll talk about this later," before continuing across the room with me draped over his shoulder. 

"Jenna," He said, catching his wife's attention, "I'm gonna take Josh home. Are you gonna stay for a bit?"

"Yeah, I'll probably leave in an hour or so," She said, sipping daintily from her wine glass. 

"Okay, I'll meet you at home," He said, placing a soft kiss on her shoulder and subsequently almost knocking me over in the process. 

"Bye, Josh, I hope you feel better!" She giggled. 

"Bye, Jenna!" I pretty much yelled. 

Tyler called an Uber and we started for the door. The Uber had arrived by the time we got outside and he helped me to the car. 

"Thanks, buddy, I really appreciate this." I said, going to close the door. Tyler held it open though, sliding in beside me. 

"I'm taking you home, Josh, I'm not just going to set you lose in the city when you're like this." He said, absolutely no amusement in his voice. I frowned, guilt piling up inside me once again. I was feeling that a lot lately. 

"You don't have to do that," I said quietly, suddenly feeling a lot more sober than I had a few seconds before. 

"I know." Is all he said. 

We sat there in silence the rest of the way to my apartment. We were a block away when I started to get nervous, I couldn't let Tyler come upstairs with me. My apartment was sad, all of my secrets were written on the walls and Tyler didn't need to see them. We pulled up outside, however, and Tyler helped me out of the car. 

"Uh, I can take it from here," I said, already feeling bad as he had slipped the driver some extra cash to get him to wait for Tyler to get back. 

"No," Tyler said, "I can't let you try to get all the way upstairs like that." 

I reluctantly let him help me to the door. And then the elevator. And then he walked me to my door. 

"Um. Thank you, Tyler." I was slurring still and the alcohol and everything else was just making my guilt more intense, "I appreciate it a lot," 

"It's cool, Josh, don't worry about it," He gave me a smile but it didn't meet his eyes, making me feel even worse. 

"Well, goodnight!" I said loudly, hurrying into my apartment and closing and locking the door. Safe inside my apartment, I let myself fall apart, leaning back against the door and slipping to the floor just as the tears slipped from my eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this slow? I feel like it's going really slow and it's really shitty. Please tell me honestly if it's going slow. I love feedback, please give me as much as you can and be as harsh as you can (hURt Me DaDDy)


	8. Chapter Seven- The Best Part of Believe Is the Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whaaattt???  
> two chapters in two days?????  
> am i on uppers?????  
> not yet, you guys just got lucky ;)  
> Idek that joe smokes weed all that much but he does here baby

**Chapter Seven**

I was sitting on Joe Trohman's living room couch smoking a bong when I realized how deep the hole I'm digging was. 

I thought of what Tyler would do if he saw me here, how he would react. No doubt he'd be unbelievably pissed, he might even kick me out of the band- for real this time. I don't think I could face that- but I don't know how I'm going to keep living like this either. The whole band thing was killing me. I remembered how when I was younger, being in a band was my biggest stress relief- weed coming in a close second. 

Time was moving slowly around my thoughts and I realized I'd been holding the bong for a while so I apologetically handed it to Trohman. He didn't even notice. The shit we were smoking that day was markedly stronger than what we smoked the day before, and we were still in the motions of smoking the other stuff so we were still packing the bowls just as full and smoking more than we probably should. 

My phone buzzed with a text for Tyler and I slowly read the message preview, trying to gauge what he was saying without actually opening the message and committing to answering him. ' _Hey, Josh, are you free? Would you-'_ I didn't need to see the rest to understand that Tyler was asking me to hang out, despite being baked out of my mind. With trembling fingers I tried to swipe the message away but opened it instead, the icon indicating that I had read it popped up instantly and I groaned internally. 

' _Um, yeah, I'll actually be free in like, a half hour'_ I replied before nearly slapping myself in front of Joe, who was once again passing the bong back to me. I grabbed it without thinking and before I knew it I was breathing out the second hit that I had stolen when Joe checked his phone. 

We had been sitting like that for as long as I could remember, just sitting there in complete silence passing the bong back and forth. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence. It wasn't a burning silence either, there was no tension- sexual or otherwise. We were just chilling and hanging out and it was the most at peace I had felt in the better part of a year. 

"Hey," Joe half-whispered, giving me a goofy look with his eyes squinted (intentionally) and a lopsided smirk on his face, "You wanna know why we're smoking out of my magic bong today?"

"Why?" I asked, suddenly filled with all consuming intrigue at what he was about to say. 

"I broke my bowl," He said laughing, which made me start laughing too. He pulled out his bowl that was now half it's length with a jagged edge. "I've kept smoking it but I've been using the bowl half so the glass has kinda been stabbing my lips," He laughed again and I did too, even though what he said was almost horrifying.

I sat there smoking and laughing with him for a few more minutes before I decided to leave. I walked down his driveway and turned in the direction of the restaurant Tyler and I planned on meeting at. I was halfway there when the panic began to set in and I realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't hang out with him- not today. My head wasn't in the right place and I knew that hanging out with him while I felt like that would be absolutely unbearable. Without even thinking, I turned right back around and headed home, completely ignoring the voice in my head telling me to at least text Tyler. 

I got back to my apartment and collapsed onto the couch. Since I'd started losing weight I had absolutely no energy anymore, I still had no idea how I managed to walk around so much. To be fair, every step was agonizing. Even with the pills and the weed it still felt like I was dragging to concrete bricks around downtown Los Angeles with me. I'm sure people have noticed but no one had commented, which almost made me feel worse than if they had said something. 

It was twenty minutes after I'd made myself comfortable on the couch that my phone buzzed. Usually I'd just ignore it but between the high and the bad feeling in my gut, I picked up the phone to read the text from one of the band's managers. 

' _Tyler's in the hospital- get here ASAP'_

My heart stopped and my vision went black. 


	9. Chapter Eight- Don't Let the Doctor In, I Wanna Blow Off Steam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sup bitches i'm back w a new juicy chapter for y'all (have u ever just wanted to end your life? just like- if you listen to yourself?)  
> little update on my life- i saw my therapist today and she did NOT understand a single word i said, which is fair because i only had a very loose grasp of the shit that was spilling from my mouth  
> other update, very much related to that last one- i haven't taken my meds in almost a week (where's my lamictal and lexapro bitches at?)  
> fr tho at least i've stopped abusing everything. i do smoke a lot of weed but that's unrelated  
> ALSo also- chlorine is a MoOOODO i'm dying  
> \------------------  
> ALALLALLLASOOOOSOOSOS --___---__---_- these characters are all pretty inaccurately portrayed. i'm actually not that big into the fandom. i listen to the music and try to keep up on that but i don't think i've ever watched a twenty one pilots interview nor do i even have twitter so i'm basing all of their personality traits off of what i've read in fanfictions and instagram memes- i'm also using josh as a surrogate for all of my emotions. the plot comes from my fucked up head and some experiences.

**Chapter Eight**

I woke up on my couch, blurry eyes peering into the darkness of my barren living room. Diet pop cans and empty cigarette packs litter the coffee table, ash tray filled to the brim, looking almost as full as I feel empty. My stomach rumbles, reminding me that it's been a little over 24 hours since I've jammed something in it. I ignore it, choosing instead to just sit up groggily on the couch and grab a cigarette. My hand hovers over the pack sitting next to a cold cup of coffee, my phone next to the cup and the little light on it blinking incessantly, begging me to pick it up and check to see who's been thinking of me. I pause for a second, thinking it over. It feels important so I pick up the phone. 

The first thing that catches my attention is the time. I remember getting home around five- it was now almost six thirty. I mean, an hour and a half nap wasn't too bad, but the thing that worried me was that I didn't remember ever lying down to sleep. I swiped away the lockscreen to check my notifications. I had 13 texts- a shock in and of itself, but the senders struck fear through my heart. Two were from management, and eleven were from Jenna's sister Kristin. With a trembling finger I opened the texts from Kristin, not even wanting to know what the contents could possibly contain. 

' _Josh, please come to the hospital ASAP. Tyler and Jenna in accident'_

_'Wya'_

_'Are you coming?'_

_'Josh, please, they really need you'_

The texts went on, each as heart wrenching as the one before it. I felt like I was made out of pure static energy as I jumped up off the couch, hardly remembering to slip on some shoes before running out the door. 

I arrived at the hospital less than 10 minutes later, my heart threatening to jump straight out of my body. I felt numb, like my veins had turned to ice and frozen me to the core. I couldn't even hear my own voice over the sound of it beating as I asked the lady at reception where Tyler was. I was running by the time I reached his room, the world spinning in slow motion as I found him lying unconscious in a hospital bed, an I.V. stuck in the back of his hand and his eyes closed serenely. My knees felt like they were about to buckle when I heard a voice. 

"Josh," It was Kristin. She was sitting in one of the chairs next to his bed, a tissue crumpled in one hand and her phone open in the other. "Where have you been?" She doesn't sound angry, she just sounds tired. I almost tripped on my way over to the other chair, not wanting to take my eyes off of my best friend lying in the hospital bed. 

"What happened?" I asked, my voice quiet and hoarse. She turned off her phone and wiped at her nose with the tissue, eyes lined with worry, shoulders hunched with the weight of the world. 

"Someone ran a red light. Totaled the car." She fumbles with the tissue in her hand.

"Are they okay?" Guilt was coursing through me. This was my fault. Maybe if I had gone to dinner-

"They've just sedated him," She says, carefully only mentioning Tyler, "He was pretty distraught. He's fine though," She sniffs and nods her head, faux optimism painted on the planes of her face, "A few scrapes and bruises but they say he'll be out of here today." 

"And Jenna?" I ask, almost regretting it as soon as the words leave my lips as I watch the false confidence fall off of Kristin's face. She trains her eyes on the floor, cocking her head to the side a bit, hiding her face from my gaze. 

"She's-" She starts, then sighs and restarts, "She's in surgery right now. They took her in as soon as they arrived. That's why he's here." 

"Is she-"

"Yeah," She laughs humorlessly, "Yeah, she'll be fine. Just a punctured lung and a broken rib. Minor concussion." Her tone is bitter and I can feel the edges of her words scrape against the inside of my ears. 

"I-" My mouth falls open and then closes again, at a loss for words. What am I supposed to say now? This is where I would usually apologize but that feels deadly right now, as if apologizing will cause me to truly recognize my own role in this mess. If I had just gone to dinner- maybe this wouldn't have happened. 

I feel like those fish you see in the cases at the store- the ones that lay on a bed of ice, their eyes and mouths gaping, frozen and clammy. The world is still spinning, it has been since I got to the hospital. The spinning speeds up and slows down and I feel like I'm going to fall off my chair. I hook my foot around the leg of the chair in an attempt to prevent that, in an attempt to steady the room. Kristin's crying now and Tyler's still unconscious and the room feels too small, it feels like there's not enough air in here. 

"Josh-" She starts, meeting my eyes, "I need you to do something." 

"Anything," I breathe, foot still hooked on the leg as I lean forward, trying to keep from losing my balance and greeting the linoleum floor with the back of my head. 

"Take him home," She says, her eyes trained on mine. I focus on them. "Jenna will be here for a week minimum and I don't want him to be alone. And he can't stay here. He'll want to, but he need to be out." 

"Y-yeah," I stutter, the hospital room becoming far away as I think about bringing Tyler back to my apartment- my apartment with its dusty bedrooms and empty kitchen cupboards and my makeshift bed set up on the couch, the blinds closed and filled with the dust, my TV still unplugged, the diary entry that is my coffee table. There were weed and pill baggies scattered around the apartment, I'm pretty sure I have a half-packed bowl still tucked in one of the couch cushions and enough lighters to stock a convenience store. 

"What time are they releasing him?" I ask, mind still far away as I think about all of the chores that needed to be done before I could take someone as gentle and bright as Tyler into it. My apartment would eat him up and spit him out, turning him into a carbon copy of me. 

"They're gonna check up on him when he wakes up and then he's free, which he should be waking up in a little less than an hour now." 

"Uh huh," I say distractedly before jumping up out of my chair, the room spinning rapidly now. "Let me know when he's up, I've got some cleaning up to do." 

"But Josh-" Kristin calls but I'm already out the door and speed-walking down the hospital corridor. I need to go shopping. 

\--

Forty-five minutes later I'm standing in my kitchen surrounded by a sea of grocery bags and a million thoughts buzzing through my head. Almost mechanically, I start pulling boxes, jars, and bottles out of plastic bags and assign them places in my barren cabinets and fridge. I panic for a half-second, checking to see if I even have plates and silverware- I do- before putting all of the empty bags inside one other empty bag. I stand there for a few more minutes, trying to work up the courage to explore the rest of the apartment. I hadn't ventured farther than the bathroom in the hallway since I'd moved back in. My new comforter and pillow was still resting rumpled on the couch, i hadn't even touched the coffee table yet, and the blinds were still closed in the living room. I glanced back to the kitchen, trying to bask in the fact that I had even gotten that far yet. It took four more deep breaths and half a Marb Black before I gathered up the blankets and pillows and headed shakily for my bedroom. 

Predictably, it looked exactly as it had before we left for tour and the vibes suck the breath from my lungs. I was a different Josh when I slept in this bed- and I was sure as hell a different Josh when I opened those blinds before leaving for tour. The new Josh walked numbly across the room to close them, leaving the blankets and pillows in a crumpled ball on the floor next to the door. That was as much as I was gonna get done in here- which wasn't an issue for now because Tyler would not be inside of this room. I'll deal with this later, when I'm all by myself and Tyler is tucked safely into the guest room bed where the wreckage of my life can't fall and suffocate him. 

The guest room looked fine, apart from the dust but there wasn't anything I could or was willing to do about that. The bathroom didn't look bad as well, I knew the biggest issue was going to be the living room. 

It took me another half hour to tear the living room apart and put it back together. The coffee table had been cleared of all its incriminating contents and the apartment was almost Tyler-proof - apart from the unrelenting scent of cigarette smoke and weed that filled was a permanent fixture of the room now. I had plugged the TV in and, agonizingly, opened the curtains. Fortunately, it was already getting dark- now almost nine o'clock, and it was time to head back to the hospital to get Tyler. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FEEL LIKE THIS IS REALLY DRAMATIC AND UNNECESSARILY SO  
> I'M JUST BORED  
> IF IT'S BAD TELL ME  
> I FEEL LIKE ITS SO BAD IT'S FUNNY LOL BUT PLEEEEASSSEE TELL ME IF IT IS, I'LL FIX IT HOPEFULLY.   
> ok but fr i need to fix this its so bad but it smy mood rn


	10. Chapter Nine- Are We Growing Up or Just Going Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> filler chapter? filler chapter  
> maybe filler chapter can be our always <3 ;^*

**Chapter Nine**

When I got to his room, Tyler was sitting in his bed with his knees pulled to his chest, staring vacantly at the wrinkled sheets in front of him. Kristin's chair was empty so I took it, sitting silently. The room spun slowly, almost impossible to notice, but I felt it. My brain felt like it was drowning, I never know what to say in these situations. Fortunately I was saved after two minutes of insufferable silence as Kristin walked into the room, a cup of hospital coffee clenched in one hand as she typed rapidly on her phone with the other. 

"Oh, you're up," She said, eyes widening a bit, "I'll go get the doctor." She rushed back out of the room, leaving Tyler and I in our silence once again. I trained my eyes on the floor, watching the linoleum tiles orbit my feet as we waited for Kristin to return back with the doctor. Tyler's breathing was loud, but not rapid or unsteady. I looked up hesitantly and saw tears dancing in his eyes. Guilt consumed me and I cleared my throat, shattering the silence like a brick through a window. 

"A-are you okay?" I asked, flinching at how loud my voice sounded against the silence.

Tyler shrugged, wiping at his nose absentmindedly with the back of his arm, returning it once again to hug his legs closer. He looked so tired, so empty, and I felt a pang in my heart. I did this, I should have gone to dinner, if I had gone to dinner-

"Ah, Mr. Joseph," A man said from the door, too loudly and too cheerfully. "Good, you're awake. I'll have to ask your friend to leave, unless-"

"He can stay," Tyler said hoarsely, not even looking up to greet the doctor. Kristin had been abandoned somewhere, leaving us alone with the man in the white coat. The room lurched promptly, the speed at which it was spinning increasing and decreasing as it pleased, leaving me light headed and slightly nauseous. My brain completely detached from the moment, the words spilling out of the doctor's mouth lost to me but I watched numbly as Tyler answered, trying minimally to read his lips before losing interest and focusing once more on the revolving floor tiles. The doctor stood beside his bed, looking down at my best friend with those wrinkled jolly eyes as he made scratchy little notes on his clipboard, nodding and smiling and shrugging slightly and then laughing, all the while Tyler keeping a blank face as he deftly jumped through all the doctor's hoops. This went on for what seemed like an eternity before the doctor replaced the clipboard in the little pocket at the end of Tyler's bed and nodded at me before leaving the room. My senses slowly returned to me, and Tyler's and Kristin's voices slowly began trickling into my ears. 

"Yeah," Tyler said, an answer to what I assume was Kristin asking him if he was ready to go, as he stood from the bed. Kristin and I left the room as he put his own clothes back on, and he met us in the hall not five minutes later, eyes pink and hands trembling. I summoned what strength and confidence I could find in myself, trying to tape myself back together in order to support Tyler as he crumbled, and I put an arm around his shoulders. He shrunk under my arm but allowed it, allowing me to lead him down the corridor towards the exit of the hospital. He paused, stopping me with him, and turned to look back at Kristin who was still standing outside his door, watching us leave. 

"Text me?" He asked, sounding like a child. 

"Of course," She responded, giving him a small smile before turning and walking the opposite direction. 

I walked silently with Tyler out to the Uber, letting him climb in first. The ride was quiet, Tyler stared out the window facing away from me and I stared at him. I knew self-loathing when I saw it, and it was painted all over him. What I couldn't figure out what was why- this was very obviously my fault. Kristin told me that the accident had happened while we were supposed to be at the restaurant. Jenna was going to visit a friend while Tyler and I had dinner but when I didn't show up the couple decided to just have a night in. After picking her up, they had headed home when some jackass tried to speed through the intersection as Tyler drove through it. The worst part is that it was a hit and run. The bastard who almost killed my best friend and his wife got away. 

I paid the driver and Tyler and I headed up to my apartment. We paused outside the door as I pulled out my keys with trembling fingers, hoping Tyler wasn't looking at my hands as I fumbled with the key, trying to get it into the lock. 

"Josh," He said, voice sounding stronger than it had at the hospital. I looked up from where I was battling with the key and the lock- I hadn't taken any pills since before I had passed out and everything was wearing off. "Thank you," He says, eyes trained on the door handle, "Thanks for letting me stay with you." 

"No problem," I said, summoning a grin for him, "I'd do anything for you, man." 

He smiled back and I unlocked the door, holding it for him to enter first. He kicked off his shoes next the door and then made himself at home on the couch as I slipped my own sneakers off, locking the door behind me and throwing the keys on the now bare coffee table. The TV was on and playing Friends reruns. I hadn't paid much mind to what channel it was on while cleaning it up, just turning it on to scare off the impermeable silence that had settled upon my apartment since the beginning of last tour. Tyler was curled up on himself in the center of my couch, which had been doubling as my bed for the past month and a half. I settled next to him, sitting cross-legged and absently watching TV while he played on his phone. He sniffed loudly and wrinkled his nose. 

"It smells like weed and cigarettes in here," He said and I froze, flinching in a way that I hope wasn't noticeable. 

"Yeah," I sighed, trying to come up with something, "Brendon came over the other day," I said, hoping I wouldn't regret that lie later. He nodded absently, picking at a fraying piece of denim on his worn jeans. 

"I'm really tired," He said, "Is it okay if I just go to bed?" 

He sounded so sad my heart almost broke. I wanted so badly to pick up all of his pieces and just glue him back together, make him whole again. I knew that wouldn't happen, though, at least not until Jenna was better. Jenna's his glue- I'm just currently employed in making sure none of his pieces get lost before she can put him back together. 

"Yeah," I said, "Uh, guest room is on the left at the end of the hall. Tomorrow we can go over to your's and get some of your stuff." 

"Yeah, okay." He said, turning and smiling at me, "Thanks again, Josh. Good night."

"Good night, Tyler." I said, giving him a soft smile in return. 


	11. Chapter Ten- It's Getting Hard to Know What's Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> h a r d vent

**Chapter Ten**

After Tyler goes to bed I sit on the couch feeling especially numb. The room isn't spinning and the TV's too loud and I can see the streetlights through the window and everything feels wrong. I want a cigarette in my hand and a pill melting under my tongue, I want the world to feel like it's made out of shades of blue instead of silicon, I want my brain to feel like its made of soap so maybe it'll slip out of my head and give me some peace and quiet. I slide down onto my side, shoving my face into the cushions of the back of the couch, hands over my ears. Everything feels wrong, everything feels _so_ wrong. I'm cold but I know that even if I go get my blanket it'll only make me sweaty. Hell, the hoodie I'm wearing right now is already doing that. I want to scream, I want to scream so loud. I want to let out every single frustration and confusing thought whirl pooling around in my brain out, I want them to shoot out of my mouth like I was a water gun. 

I lay there for maybe five minutes before I get tired of doing that. Everything feels so short lived, I can only do things in five minute intervals and that's it. I don't know why I agreed to keep Tyler here for the next week or so. I can't do this, this is going to destroy either one or both of us, and I really don't want it to be him. I don't know what to do though. It's been a little under 12 hours since I did anything and now that it's all wearing off I feel like my skin's going to leave with the effects of the drugs. I need something, anything. I hate this desperate sticky feeling. My mind wanders to the emergency stash hidden under the couch but I put it out of my mind. As desperate as I am at this moment, it's by far not an emergency. I could very easily hit someone up online and have them meet me outside the apartments in 5 minutes. I have cash, there's literally nothing stopping me but myself. 

I procrastinate, trying to keep that possibility hidden in the back of my mind. Even though I _can_ do it, I don't _want_ to. I just want to be able to push through this, just tonight, to show myself that I could be okay if I wanted to be. The more minutes pass, however, the less I believe that I will ever really get out of this. 

It's been forty five minutes and I'm standing out on the sidewalk in front of my apartment building. With Tyler staying at my place, I don't particularly feel like it's a great idea to smoke inside the apartment. I ash my cigarette and check my phone- no new texts from my guy. That's fine. I have almost a half a cigarette left and it's a beautiful night outside, I don't mind standing out here on the sidewalk. The only thing that could possibly ruin this moment would be Tyler waking up and deciding to come looking for me. I really doubt he'd do that, though. He seemed pretty wiped out, and especially after all that junk the hospital gave him. He could be out for a day, maybe a day and a half. 

"Hey," A guy calls, walking across the parking lot towards me. He wears red basketball shorts, a baggy white t-shirt, gray Nikes, and a flat bill hat. I nod at him and when he gets closer he subtly shows me what he's got in his hand. I nod, holding my hand out for him to take, and we shake while he takes the money from my palm and I take the drugs from his. We then nod at each other again and he heads back off towards the street while I stay firmly planted in my prior position on the sidewalk, the variety pack of pharmaceuticals burning a hole in the pocket of my ripped jeans. 

I finish my cigarette and toss it in the ash tray, taking the stairs back up to my apartment. I stand silently in the living room for a few moments, listening to everything I can hear to make sure that Tyler was asleep, before heading into the bathroom. I lock the door and turn to look at myself in the mirror for what must have been the first time in weeks because _damn_. 

I was a lot smaller. Like, a lot. Noticeably. The circles under my eyes could spark envy in the Grand Canyon, the shade of my skin not unlike that of a dirty chalkboard, I look pale and sickly. I turned away from the mirror and dug the little bag out of my pocket, peering in at the contents. I think the guy had said there were a few different things in here- some that make you happy, some that make you numb, some that make you chill, etc, etc. I didn't really know what any of them were called or what any of the mgs or anything was. I was going into this completely blind because that's the type of reckless I felt like being this week. The white square one was calling my name. I set it under my tongue, opting to let it chill and melt there. They work faster that way sometimes. 

I collapsed back on the couch, my mind quieting down enough for me to just relax. I can't remember how long I laid there, just feeling the room spin in its own fucked up pattern. I was getting used to the dizziness and nauseous, it was almost comforting. 

My eyes drifted shut and I fell asleep on the couch once again. 


	12. Chapter Eleven- You're Crashing But You're No Wave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey sorry for any errors or anything. I'm high af and writing this on the dl at McDonald's on my phone over a coffee because I work in an hour and fifteen minutes and I have no life.   
> also- there are a lot of fucking people at McDonald's rn and it's making me low key super self conscious bc it's the weekend so there's a bunch of Teenagers and I am scared of them (I'm 17 idk what's wrong with me)

**Chapter Eleven**

I wake up on the couch, the sun streaming through the windows straight at my eyelids, burning straight through the papery skin and blinding me. I reach out, feeling for my blanket. I'm freezing despite my hoodie and the L.A. heat soaking into my apartment- and the lack of air conditioning, which I had forgot to turn on before bringing Tyler here. 

Fuck, I knew I was forgetting something. 

I wrench my eyes open and force myself into the sitting position. My head pounds with the movement and my blurry eyes go dark. I raise a hand to my head and squint into the kitchen, where I could hear the sink running. Sure enough I make out Tyler standing in the kitchen rinsing out a ceramic bowl. He gives me a squinty smile, meant to look amused but just looking more worried and nervous than anything. What had happened to us? We had been so close and now I felt like I barely knew the man I had invited into my apartment.

No, that's not it. I know him but I feel like he has no idea who I am. It's not a good feeling, it feels like your world's been tipped upside down and you're desperately grasping a streetlight, trying to keep from falling into the void. It's disorienting, watching someone you love forget who to be around you. Tyler always seemed like he was walking on eggshells around me. Sometimes at the studio I'd catch him talking to the producers and other staff on my way back in from the bathroom. The conversation is so soft and easy until he spots me and then he'd instantly seem to freeze up inside. 

"Sorry I woke you," He says sheepishly, setting his bowl down and turning off the faucet. He steps out of the kitchen, making his way to the couch. I pull my legs closer to me, making room for him on the already empty- and admittedly large- sofa. He takes a seat in front of me, fiddling with his phone. 

"Hey," He says, his voice light but almost shaky, "I noticed all your food was unopened and brand new. You didn't have to go and buy all new food for me, I'd have been alright on you boring chalk cereal and the four month old frozen pizza in the back of your freezer."

I froze, panic rushing in before realizing he was joking. I let out a nervous chuckle, my eyes trained on the tan suede of the couch. 

"Nah," I waved a hand, trying to spin this into a half lie, "I couldn't do that to you and it was time I went anyways," 

"Did you sleep alright?" He asked, switching the topic and inveiling the true level of concern that had been hiding in his eyes behind goofy smiles, "You looked pretty wore out last night- and you must have been to fall asleep on the couch."

"Oh, yeah, yeah," I forced the stutter out of my voice, shaking my head lazily, "Yeah, I was just tired, I'd been looking at some new music the night before. How'd you sleep?"

"Oh," Tyler didn't look like he bought my bullshit but he looked like he had given up, drawing into himself a little bit before attempting to paste a casual smile on his face. He rubbed his eyes, "Yeah, I slept alright." 

So we're both lying. 

He starts fiddling with his phone again, scrolling aimlessly through Instagram. He gives up, however, after a few minutes. I watch him scroll past four posts containing pictures of an all too familiar blonde before turning his phone back off. 

"Oh my god, Josh," He sighs, suddenly sounding so incredibly tired, "This all my fault." 

I almost couldn't make out what he was saying through his hands that were now rubbing anxiously at his face. My mouth fell open a little, shocked. How could he possibly think this was his fault? He wouldn't even have been driving if I had just fucking gone to dinner, if I had just gone none of this would have happened. And why isn't he pissed at me? He hasn't even brought up dinner. 

"Tyler," I said, opting to be completely honest about how I felt in this moment, "How is any of this your fault?" 

"I was the one driving. I saw the guy, I watched him not even think about stopping, and I kept going." He looked up at me, tearful eyes shattering my heart, "I almost _killed_ her, Josh." 

I looked down at my best friend for a moment, completely lost on what to say. He really thought this was his fault, he really thinks that he hurt Jenna. I gently pull him to my chest, his head tucked into the nook between my neck and my shoulder. I held him there, letting him cry for a moment before summoning something I could possibly say. 

"Tyler," I said softly, rubbing his back, "This is in no way you're fault. You did nothing wrong, you were just trying to get home to have a nice evening with your wife." I held him closer, squeezing him in a quick hug before pushing him back, forcing him to look me in the eye. 

"You're not going to be guilty over this," I tell him, taking in how fucking exhausted he looks, "This isn't your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about." 

He nodded hesitantly before sitting back, using the bottom of his t-shirt to wipe tears from his face. He took a few deep breathes, rubbing his eye with a clenched fist. 

"Thank you, Josh." He says, looking me in tears he eye, "Really. Thank you."

"Of course, Tyler. You're my best friend." He smiles at me, a real genuine smile that almost meets his eyes. We sit there for a few moments, suddenly enveloped in a weird silence- not awkward, just weird. He clears his throat, anxiously wiping his phone screen on the thigh of his jeans. 

"Well," He says, sitting up slightly, "Did you want to go to my house so I can grab some of my stuff?" 

"Yeah, totally! Um... just let me change really quick," I said, reminding myself to go to my room for clothes, since I had stashed my duffel bag in there to hide my recent lifestyle from Tyler. 

"Alright," He said, opening his phone as I left the room. 

I grabbed some fresh(?) clothes from my room, trying to keep my eyes down the whole time to stave off the memories that threatened to crush me if I let them in. I then bolted across the hallway into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. 

Once in there bathroom, out came the little baggie from my back pocket. I silently thanked whatever higher power was watching over me for not letting them fall out onto the couch while I was sleeping. I daintily pulled one out, looking at it and finding it looked suspiciously like Tramadol. I smiled, but wiped it off when the guilt followed the excitement. I shouldnt be doing this. I should be trying to stay sober to help Tyler, he needed me and I as hiding behind chemicals that weren't prescribed to me. My hand shook as I brought the pill to my mouth, absently wondering how many milligrams it contained as I swallowed it. 

I changed quickly, smiling faintly as my headache wore away. The pill hadn't kicked in yet - and probably wouldn't for a half hour at the very least - but just the actions of swallowing it must have helped with the stress. It was like what I had read online when I was a teenager snorting my sister's wellbutrin, which did nothing but burn my nose but felt good all the same. You can addicted to just the actions of snorting pills. 

I quickly tossed my old clothes in my bedroom before making my way back to the living room. 

"Oh good, I'd just called for an Uber," Tyler said, sliding his phone into his back pocket as I slipped my shoes on, almost losing my balance and wiping out in the process. 

I followed him out the door, mind stuck on the pack of cigarettes I'd shoved in my hoodie pocket when he wasn't looking. 


	13. Chapter Twelve- Let the Vibe Slide Over Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been a minute guys. this chapter has been so hard to write simply because i don't like where i left off on the last one. i mean it's not story ruining i was just too lazy to go to the creative effort of coming up w this shit.   
> anyways, little update on what's been up since i've been gone-  
> -i got ahold of some oxy again (only a little it's been forever)  
> -my friend's house caught on fire when i first started working on this chapter  
> -i've completely gone off the rails  
> -my life is falling apart  
> -i just wanna hug my mom  
> -i got unbelievably drunk on friday night and cried because i realized i'm in love with someone i used to know  
> -and yeah  
> thank you guys so much for comments and kudos and shit by the way- i literally live on that shit

**Chapter Twelve**

The drugs aren't curbing the itchy feelings that swell up when I'm around Tyler- toxic feelings of self-consciousness and shame. My skin feels too small when I'm around him, and being high is just making it worse.

I'm sitting in an arm chair in his living room, absently running my fingers over the white leather. The pills kicked in and I feel like an ocean, small waves rising and crashing in me, in a way that's almost soothing. Tyler's down the hall somewhere with his tour duffel bag, shoveling in clothes and whatever else he'll need until he moves back in. I look around at his house. I love it here, I almost wish I could've just moved in with him until Jenna's better. His house feels like a home, even with both its inhabitants being absent at the moment. Everything looks so cozy all the time, and it always smells like the candles Jenna has positioned so lovingly around the room. I wonder absently if my apartment will feel even a fraction as warm as Tyler's by the end of the week.

He walks back into the room, duffel bag stuffed and eyes red and shiny. I don't mention it, letting him pretend that everything was fine. He looked around the room with a sad smile and then turned to me.

"You wanna go get lunch or something?" He asks as we walk out the door. He locks it behind him.

"Uh," I say, mind going blank for a second. The pills slowed me down but, unlike the weed, didn't make me anymore inclined to get food. If anything my appetite was curbed, food was the last thing I wanted right now. "Sure," I say despite all of that.

"Cool. Any preferences?" He climbs into the Uber before me and I slide in next to him, shaking my head as he adjusts his bag on the floor. He tells the driver our destination and I stare out the window, mind buzzing. I really don't want any food, even though I should definitely eat- if not for the fact that I haven't eaten in two days, then because Tyler will notice if I don't eat anything. I hate myself for it, but I silently regret agreeing to any of this.

We pull up to an all too familiar diner. We always eat here, all the time. It's a cute little place, I guess. Almost annoyingly aesthetically pleasing. We sit down and I'm assaulted by the shininess of it- the leather booth, the vinyl on the table, the neon lights, the tile floor. I want to throw up but I sit quietly, admiring the looping font of the single page, laminated menu. The lady behind the counter has a mint green retro waitress dress on and she clearly isn't feeling it. Nevertheless, she pastes on a fake smile and starts over towards us, pulling a notepad from her pocket and filling her eyes with as much faux cheeriness as possible. I feel this chick.

"Hello, are you two ready to order?" She chirps. Tyler raps his knuckles on the tabletop, squinting at the menu and biting a lip. I admire him, the high enhancing my visuals and making my heart swell with adoration for this man. I watch in slow motion as his mouth moves, his eyes drifting up to meet the waitress'. He smiles in a friendly way and I get so caught up in watching him that I don't even notice their attention turn to me. My cheeks heat up a second but I feel so slow and electric that I don't even mind. My eyes drift dreamily over the menu, nothing particularly striking my interests. Fuck the consequences, this is too much work.

"Actually, I'm not that hungry," I squint, smiling up at the waitress and aggressively ignoring the look I can feel Tyler giving me. I turn my grin up a couple watts as I order a cup of coffee. She chirps an 'okay!' before clicking back to the counter. She falls into the background once again and my attention is returned to Tyler.

"I really can't thank you enough for letting me stay with you during all of... this," He says awkwardly, eyes trained on the table. He scratches at it slightly, seeming a bit restless. I wonder when I started making him so anxious.

"It's no problem, man," I smile, leaning forward slightly in my seat, "You're my best friend." I wonder when that started to need to be said.

"So how are you doing?" I ask, knowing he needs to talk about this to be alright. 

"Well... y'know." He said, chuckling slightly as he looked out the window across the diner. The street was weirdly empty for this time of day, but it made the whole thing chiller. "I miss her, I just want her to be home and to be _okay_. I really just want her to be awake."

My heart broke, watching him sit there. The universe feels so out of reach, I'm so helpless to do anything for him. I wish I could just grab all of the puzzle pieces of his life and jam them together. Who cares if they don't fit? He can have bits of mine to make his work. 

"It's not your fault," I remind him, reaching across the table to stop him from scratching a hole in the table. He nods, pushing a weak smile onto his tearful expression. 

"I know." 

His cheeseburger comes and so does my coffee. He offers me fries but I decline, hugging the warm mug to my chest. I'm so cold and the warmth from the cup feels like a flower blooming in my hands. He eyes me nervously as he bites into his burger. There are so many unsaid things between us that you could probably read them if you looked too hard. My mind is swimming though, and honestly I feel too good to think about anything bad. I want to do so many things but more than any I just wanna lay on my couch in the darkness of my quiet living room. I can't do that though. Tyler's staying with me so I need to keep the lights on and the curtains open. 

Tyler's phone vibrates and he pulls it out too quickly, nearly tossing his burger when he felt it. I watch him closely. It looks like... good news. His face lights up, eyes turning into light bulbs and skin catching fire. His smile is nervous but carries the weight of the world. He looks absolutely radiant and I already know what he's going to say before he even looks up. 

"Jenna's awake." He looks disoriented, like he doesn't know what to do now. He figures it out, glancing from his cheeseburger to his duffel bag under the table to me across from him. He stands. "C-I need to go see her. Can you take my bag back to your apartment?" 

"Yeah, sure," I say, shaking my head, "No problem," 

"Thank you," He sighs, resting a hand on my shoulder for a moment. He rushes out before I can send her my best, leaving me with his half a cheeseburger, duffel bag, and my chilling coffee. I take a sip, resting my head back on the booth. 

It takes me fifteen minutes to get back to the apartment to deposit his duffel bag and another ten minutes before I officially admit I'm lost. 

I had wandered from the apartment after dropping his bag inside the door, planning on just having a smoke outside but the pills getting the better of me. The street was unfamiliar but in a familiar way. I'd gotten so used to just wandering aimlessly that I'm a master at getting lost. My phone's in my back pocket but I'm preoccupied with the cigarette burning in my hand, intoxicated by the feeling of the smoke hitting the back of my throat. My head feels far away but not as far away as the sky above me. I want to be a part of it, to float up and watch over the city from among the clouds. I can't though. Instead I'm stuck on this street, completely unaware of where I am. 

My phone vibrates and I ignore, hardly even acknowledging that it did anything in the first place. My mind is a million miles away. I'm obsessed with how lonely I feel in that moment, like I'm the only real person in the entire world. I feel the anxiety building up in me but I let it happen, almost dreaming of being completely incapacitated by an excruciating panic attack. I almost don't even notice the tears falling down my face. 

I switch from streets to alleys, not wanting someone to somehow stumble upon me and ask me what was wrong. I'm not even sure anymore. It's like I just keep living but it's so against my will and I don't want anything to do with it but I don't want to force anyone to have to clean up after me if I was to leave. 

My phone vibrates again, and then again, and then again. It's getting more and more persistent. I finish my cigarette and give up, pulling it out of my pocket and glancing at it. It's now been two and a half hours since I left the diner and it's getting dark. I can hear the streetlights buzzing softly and my head feels the same way they sound. I have three missed texts from Tyler and I don't want to open them but I feel like I really don't have much choice in that anymore.

I wonder when exactly my life stopped being my own. 

_'Hey man, omw home, you need anything?'_

_'Josh tf i just got to ur apartment where are u'_

_'answer ur phone pls'_

I stand there for a second, not really even sure if I need to respond. Tyler's probably freaking out. I think I'm supposed to be keeping him from freaking out, not causing him to. 

I'm bad at my job.

_'sorry tyler, omw now. hopefully won't be long but u don't need to wait up i'm good'_

My phone's back in my pocket when I feel him text me back but I ignore it and pull another cigarette out instead. I want to drift away with the smoke and abandon all my responsibilities but that's not an option so I just keep walking in the direction I (think I) came. 

It takes me a half hour to find my way and I feel guilty when I walk in and find Tyler sitting dejectedly on the couch. 

"Where were you?" He asks me, eyes looking tired. 

"Sorry, I went for a walk and got lost," I said, a little breathless from the walk and the stairs. He nods, flipping his phone absentmindedly. 

"Did you want anything for dinner?"I ask, proud of myself for remembering to feed him. The pill's wearing off and I'm not happy about it but I have plans. 

"Whatever you want," He said, typing on his phone. I shrug and head shakily for the kitchen. I haven't actually prepared a meal in so long I have no idea what to even do upon walking in. I opt for a cabinet and start digging through for something I can feed him and pretend to eat at the same time. 

I get lazy and shove a pizza in the oven, not wanting to think about how I'm gonna deal with it. I find myself sitting next to Tyler on the couch while we wait for it to cook. The TV is playing some dumb rerun and he's swiping through Instagram on his phone. I feel dizzy and self conscious and nauseous and I want so badly to think of something to say to him but my mind's just drawing a blank and I hate myself for it. 

"So..." I start, pulling absentmindedly at a lose thread dangling off the knee of my jeans. "How was Jenna?" 

"She was alright," He said, turning off his phone and rubbing his face, "She was lucid I mean. In a lot of pain though." 

"Yeah..." I say, "I'm sorry, man. You really don't deserve this. I mean, no one deserves it," _except me_ , "But you _really_ don't deserve it." 

"Maybe I do, though," He says wearily, his demons rearing their ugly heads. I shiver, I hate remembering how hard his brain makes living. Tyler's such a good person, he deserves so much better. 

The oven dings and I jump up to get the pizza. My vision goes dark, however, upon jumping up, and I have to reach out blindly for the coffee table to keep from toppling over. 

"Woah, man," Tyler cries, reaching out to help steady me, "You good?" 

"Yeah, yeah," I chuckle breathlessly, regaining my composure and starting towards the kitchen, "Probably dehydrated." 

I barely hear him mutter ' _yeah, dehydrated_ _'_ under his breath, but I choose to ignore it. 


	14. Chapter Thirteen- My Head Just Went Oblivion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys i know. it's been a minute.  
> a lot of shit has gone on since i last wrote and idk i just didn't feel like it was the right time until now to continue (i'm jk, a lot of stupid shit did happen but i'm being overdramatic)  
> anyways here's a new installment of "p.o.s" by yours truly xoxo  
> (((also-- chapter title taken from 'I've Been Waiting' by Lil Peep and ILoveMakonnen ft. Fall Out Boy it's great)))

**Chapter Thirteen**

Josh doesn't know where he is. 

The street is dark and his feet feel like they're about to slip out from beneath him. He knows it's probably one of the many drugs he's on but it's terrifying nonetheless. There are clanging noises coming from all around him- chain link fencing striking dry branches, a car backfiring, a trash can sent rolling, a shouting match coming from somewhere above. All Josh knows are his feet and the asphalt and it's hard to walk with so many distractions trying to come between them. 

He knows that Tyler's back at the apartment, sleeping in the guest room peacefully. Josh had tried that- the whole sleeping thing. He tried really hard. After he had eaten an entire slice of pizza with Tyler he headed down the hallway and brushed his teeth. After that he put on his pajamas, wished Tyler a good night, and walked into his bedroom- only to remember why he had been avoiding that room for so long. In a sudden rush of adrenaline he found himself in the hallway outside his apartment, still in his pajamas. Not wanting to wake Tyler, he closed the door and stumbled down the stairs, head in a daze from the pills and the violent assault of memories and bad vibes that had attacked him as soon as he opened the door. 

It was all a little fuzzy after that. He had just ended up on this street, wandering seemingly forever. The streets had no end. They just continued on and on for miles before looping back around to meet and join another street. They formed this wild chaotic mess of asphalt and blacktop and concrete and metal and gasoline and people and children and - The world was spinning. It was spinning much faster than it should, though. Josh remembered back in elementary school when they were taught that the Earth was always spinning, just very slowly. Josh thought about that now as he watched the world rip around him at breakneck speed- hardly taking the time to notice the tears spilling down his cheeks or the way he had crumpled into a ball on the sidewalk. 

A pair of hands met his cheeks and he looked up. His eyes wandered vaguely over the face but continued on up to allow Josh to stare at the sky. He wanted to see the stars- that was another thing on the very long list of shitty things about L.A. There were no stars. 

"Hey," A voice called. It sounded far away and Josh just wanted to ignore it, he just wanted to find the stars. 

"Hey, buddy, c'mon," The voice returned. "Don't make me call an ambulance, pal," 

Josh pulled his eyes downward, waiting for them to focus so that he could see the face. It was a man. He looked sad- he looked concerned. He was young, probably in his mid to late twenties. He looked older though, his eyes did. He had a full brown beard and a lopsided kinda mouth- the kind that made the best smiles. One of his eyes was a little lazy but Josh thought it only made him look more endearing. 

"Ay, there 'ya are," He smiled- Josh was right. "What'd'ya take, huh?" 

"What?" Josh asked, surprised to hear himself slurring.

"What'd'ya take? Yer obviously on something," The guy had a cool accent. It was kind of MidWestish with hints of... Boston? 

"Alright then," The man said, taking Josh's silence as an answer. He stood back up, showing himself to be a man of pretty impressive size. Josh assumed he was going to continue on his way before he reached a massive arm down. Josh glanced at it curiously before grabbing his hand and allowing himself to be pulled up.

"So what's your name?" The man asked. They stumbled down the street together- the man had given Josh a cigarette and a couple swigs of the whiskey he kept in his back pocket. 

"Josh. You?" 

"Matty," He said with a grin, "Daniels." 

"Well it was great to meet you, Daniels, but i'm gonna need to be getting home. I left my best friend and he doesn't know," 

"Oh, wait, hold on, man!" Matty said, reaching into the pocket of his massive jacket. He pulled out a bag of pills, little white ones. Josh leaned in to get a better look. 

"You want some of these? One of my friends got ahold of a shit-ton and we gotta get rid of 'em." 

"What are they?" 

"Addies- y'know, give 'ya energy." 

"Well how much do you want for them?" Josh asked, trying to keep the eagerness out of his voice. He didn't want to sound desperate. 

"How much 'ya got?" Matty nodded at him, and Josh remembered he was still in his pajamas. He dug through the pockets of his old gray sweatpants, nearly crying when his fingers brushed paper. 

"$80?" He held the four twenties between his fingers, glancing between Matty and the pills. 

Matty looked at him thoughtfully for a moment before handing Josh the bag. 

"Here, lemme give you my number in case you ever need anything else," He said, nudging Josh to take out his phone. Josh reached for his pocket again before remembering he had plugged his phone in before he changed. It was still on his coffee table back at his apartment. 

"Ah, shit, you lost your phone?" Matty chuckled, smacking Josh's shoulder lightly. He pulled his bottle out of his back pocket and took a swig, passing it to Josh to took a modest shot. 

"Alright, you got a pen?" Matty looked at Josh and the two started laughing as they observed Josh's attire. "Hold on," Matty reached into his other back pocket and pulled out a Sharpie-sans cap. 

"You just have that in your pocket without the cap?" Josh laughed as Matty grabbed his arm and began etching his number in sloppy writing on the inside of his wrist. "Bro, where the fuck are we?" 

"You lost?" Matty asked, eyes squinting as he looked up at Josh. 

"I mean- I can't remember where my apartment is." Matty erupted into a fit of giggles, nearly doubling over as Josh stood stoic, trying to figure out what was funny about being lost. 

"C'mon, man, what's your address? We'll figure this shit out." Matty hooked elbows with Josh and they started off through a park. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just kind of a filler, i'll probably get another one out tonight.  
> also- i think i got the pov figured out now. sorry for the confusion lol


	15. Chapter Fourteen- Every Morning There Are Mountains To Climb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sup bitches round 2 time  
> THERE iS GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF PILL POPPING AND THAT BULLSHIT SO B E W A R E  
> i'm gonna be honest i'm really fucking high guys and matty was supposed to just be a rando filler character but i'm starting to think matty might be fun so we'lll seeee  
> plese leave me comments i love them so much i forgot how important you guys are to me  
> luv u all <3 <3 <3

**Chapter Fourteen**

"Are you cold, bro?" Matty asked, glancing at Josh with vague concern hidden behind glazed over eyes. 

"Eh, a little. It's nothing," Josh said. It was something. He was only wearing a t-shirt. 

"Here, take my jacket," Matty said, taking his oversized jacket off and passing it to Josh. 

"No, really," Josh said, flustered as he tried to hand the jacket back. 

"No, man, you look like you're _freezing_ ," He took a drag of the whiskey, glancing at their surroundings as they stumbled down the street and half admiring how adorable Josh looked as he absolutely drowned in the massive coat.

"Thanks," 

"Don't mention it."

Matty seemed to know his way around pretty well. He maneuvered around the suburbs like a pro- it seemed like he had a map of the town in his head. 

Josh, on the other hand, was half out of his mind. He knew the name of the city he was in and that was about it. He trusted Matty though, there was just something about him. He followed him blindly, eyes trained on the dusty leather boots as they tripped and traversed over the crumbling asphalt. Josh's knees started giving out, he could feel himself slipping to the ground but wasn't bothered by it. It was just a new state of being- he was sitting now. He felt content with sitting there for a while but Matty stretched his massive arm out again. They continued on with Josh half draped across Matty's shoulders. 

"You feel like a skeleton bro," Matty slurred, half giggling, "You're all boney." 

Josh half-assedly wiggled around, somewhat attempting to ease his new friend's discomfort. He looked up and realized he knew where he was. He alerted Matty to this when his apartment building came into view and the larger man set him down on his feet.

"Well I guess this is it, buddy," Matty said, lighting a cigarette and handing one to Josh. 

"Damn, bro, it's like-morning," Josh squinted into the sunrise, bringing a hand up to shield his eyes. 

"Yeah, man, we walked for like three hours," 

"Damn," 

Josh smoked his cigarette in silence, glancing up at his companion every once in a while, gazing thoughtfully at the intriguing man. Josh didn't usually find people attractive like that- he couldn't remember the last time he'd actually had a crush on someone. But no- this wasn't a crush. It couldn't be yet, they'd only just met. Despite this, Josh knew he was going to miss the man the instant they weren't together. 

"I think it's time," Matty said with a sigh, tossing his cigarette butt and pulling Josh in for a hug, "It's been good, bro." 

"Yeah, thanks for everything, man." 

"Oh hey, don't mention it." Matty smiled and then nodded at the building, "Good luck with your roommate!" 

Josh smiled and waved but he felt like a bomb just went off in his mind. He had totally forgot that Tyler was back at his apartment. 

Best case scenario he could sneak in and get into his bed- maybe get an hour or two of sleep and act like the whole thing had never happened. But if Tyler was awake- he could say he went for a walk but he felt exhausted and probably looked like it too and that would just worry Tyler. But maybe-

Josh reached carefully in the pocket of his sweatpants, pulling out the baggy. 25mg of Adderall should do the trick just fine. 

-

Josh was absolutely buzzing. He felt like he was made of pure energy, like he left sparks behind him as he crisscrossed the kitchen. He was preparing breakfast for Tyler, who wasn't awake yet. He just felt so bad about what was going on with him and he felt bad for being a shitty best friend and _so_ many other things. 

But breakfast. Breakfast would help. 

He decided to make eggs- mostly because that's the only thing he knew how to make. He made them scrambled because scrambled eggs are the best eggs. 

The scrambled eggs went on a plate with a glass of orange juice and a slice of toast. The toast had come out a little burnt but Josh just scraped the dark bits off with a butter knife over the sink. 

He gave a gentle tap on Tyler's door before completely barging in- because he has manners. 

While Tyler was not exactly overjoyed being waken up before six a.m., he was happy to see Josh with his spirits lifted. There were some dark linings to those clouds though- he seemed almost _too_ happy. Tyler pushed those thoughts away- Josh was just trying to do something nice and he should appreciate that. 

"Thanks, man, this is amazing!" Tyler gushed, stirring his eggs with a fork. After a couple bites he looked at Josh who was draped over a chair near the window, leg bouncing at a million miles a minute. 

"Aren't you gonna have any?" 

"Huh?" Josh looked surprised, like he had forgotten Tyler was in the room, "Oh uh, no I'm good. I had some earlier." 

"How long have you been up?" Tyler asked around a mouthful of egg. 

"Oh, not too long," Josh said, reading something on his phone. "So what are your plans for the day?"

"Well," Tyler said, setting his fork down next to a clean plate, "I'm probably going to go visit with Jenna for most of the day. You're free to come with if you'd like, or-" 

"Oh, no," Josh interrupted awkwardly, "No, uh, it's fine. I mean, I have some stuff I should probably do today too."

"Okay well, do you wanna start by helping me with these dishes?" Tyler asked with a sly grin. Josh smiled and nodded. 

"Sure."

They were standing in the kitchen waiting for the sink to fill when Tyler looked curiously at Josh. 

"Is that a new jacket?" He asked, peering at the thing suspiciously. 

"Oh, uh," Josh had completely forgotten that he was wearing Matty's coat. He looked down at it, "Uh, yeah. I was just chilly and I had never wore it before so." 

Tyler nodded but he didn't look convinced. 

Before Josh knew it, the dishes were done and Tyler was gone- off to visit his wife in the hospital. It was all just so screwed up- it wasn't supposed to be like this. 

It was a never ending chant that went on and on in his head, beating like a drum- _this is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong_. Everything just felt _wrong_. 

He wanted to push that away though. He didn't want today to be a bad day, today felt like it had potential. 

He smoked weed. In the apartment. His anxiety was eating him alive about it- there was no way in hell Josh was going to be able to get the smell out of the apartment before Tyler got home. But a part of Josh didn't care. He found he almost wanted Tyler to find out. The idea of not having to sneak around, if he could stop lying- It was a nice thought but it would never work out. Tyler probably wouldn't say anything- that's if he even noticed it in the first place. 

It was nice though- a day spent sitting on his own couch in his own apartment just smoking weed and listening to music. 

At some point he had dug out an old spiral bound notebook and a pen and had started composing. He was fifteen pages into the notebook when Tyler entered, snapping Josh out of is trance.

"What time is it?" He asked, watching as Tyler took his shoes off and settled in on the couch next to Josh. He checked his watch. 

"About 4:30," Tyler said, not noticing Josh's look of surprise when he realized he had been writing for a little over two hours. It had felt like just a few minutes.

Tyler stood and pulled his hoodie off, heading for the kitchen. 

"What do you want for dinner, Josh?"

"Oh, I'm good, I had something earlier," He answered, following Tyler into the kitchen nonetheless. 

"Yeah, speaking of 'earlier'," Tyler said, turning his back to Josh as he dug through the cabinets, "It smells kinda funky in here... you have someone over?" 

"Huh?" Josh asked, mostly just to buy time, "Yeah, just some guy I met at one of Joe's parties. He was cool." 

"Oh, nice," Tyler said, setting a pot of water on the stove, "Is he gonna be hanging out over here more?" 

Josh could hear the underlying question- he knew the implications Tyler was making. He smiled and shook his head, looking at the floor. 

"I don't know man, maybe." He left the room to go find a place to lie down and think for a while. 


	16. Chapter Fifteen- Hot to the Touch Cold on the Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> little filler-lapse in time bc I suck  
> I'll update again tonight w a real chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5/27/19--   
> it's about to get a lot more realistic because I graduated 3 days ago and my life has gone into overdrive like it's crazy   
> I work 78 hours in the next 2 weeks so I'll update if I can but I've never been this busy

**Chapter Fifteen**

Tyler moved back into his house last week and it felt like the start of a new era to Josh. 

He hadn't noticed how peaceful the past few weeks had been until Tyler went home. It's like reality had crashed back into Josh, sending him careening backwards as everyone else thrived. 

Late night wanderings through the city had been replaced with hours spent bent over a computer trying to get the beat right. Mornings were no longer for nursing a hangover over a cigarette and a neatly packed bowl- now Josh started his mornings with fumbling hands working desperately to get the studio's fancy tech to work while the producers and other artists chided and chewed him out for the smallest mistake. Afternoons stopped being spent on a sofa passing joints around, now his schedule was riddled with meetings, rehearsals, lyric workshops, networking, and maybe a quick nap if he was lucky. Everyone was busy and it seemed like the stakes were higher than ever- there were no times for mistakes or sloppiness. Any flaw would be blown up on a billboard or highlighted in the next issue of whatever magazine had the biggest scandal that week. 

It seemed the only benefit of this whole shitstorm was that Josh was shedding weight like no one's business. There was no time for breakfast when he was hauling ass to the studio from wherever he passed out, lunch could hardly be squeezed in between recording and paperwork, and who had time for dinner when they had an important party to get to? His ribs were becoming visible without sucking in, his thighs didn't touch when he walked and he could see the light through the gaps in his fingers. He was small- smaller than he should have been- but he wasn't where he wanted to be yet. There would no doubt be photoshoots coming up at the drop of their next album and Josh wanted to be smaller by that time. 


	17. Chapter 16- I Can't  Do This Again, I Need More Oxygen

**Chapter Sixteen**

Josh knew that he couldn't live this way. 

He knew it wasn't sustainable. He could see it in the concern in a producer's eyes as he put the sandwich in front of Josh, telling him he needed the energy. Josh, of course, knew he needed the food, that he desperately needed the energy the sandwich had to offer, so he ate half and discreetly dropped the rest in a trash can. 

He saw it in the reluctance of his smoking buddies to pass the bowl, the tone of voice when they recommended maybe he cut back. Josh knew cutting back on the weed wouldn't solve anything, it was the pills and other general self destruction that was the real problem. 

He heard it in Tyler's disappointed sighs when Josh accidentally flung his drumstick across the booth for the sixth time that day, his grip giving out in the middle of recording and the stick slipping away. 

He knew it wasn't going to last, he could see it all laid out in front of him like some fucked up picture book. There was a raw sort of terror attached to the knowledge that his life was threatening to come crashing down, similar to how his pants threatened to slip to his ankles every time he pulled them up. 

The real fear was in knowing just how low his safety net really was. Over the past six months he had nearly overdosed in a room full of people how many times and no one had noticed then- Josh knew it would take his body literally shutting down before anything would change. 

It made him guilty. It was unfair, they weren't responsible for making sure Josh didnt kill himself. They all made it look so easy though- just living. Life didnt make sense to Josh, it was difficult. It seemed like no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't be normal- he never could. Even in school, it seemed like all the other kids were given a guidebook and Josh missed that day of class. 

Everything was hard. He could stand in the bathroom for an hour and a half staring himself down in the mirror but his hands couldn't make it to the cabinet to get the toothbrush. They'd go out for lunch on studio days and everyone else ordered what sounded good, while Josh tried not to panic as his eyes desperately searched the menu for the lowest calorie option. He wanted pasta and cake and pizza and burgers- he wanted to try that new milkshake everyone was talking about. He wanted to enjoy food, he wanted to feel good, he wanted to be fucking happy. At this point, normal would suffice. Anything but the mind numbing boredom and sadness and loneliness and panic and terror-

He could feel his life spiralling down. He knew things were going to get ugly (uglier) very soon but he didnt know how to stop. He knew that every time he broke down over the scale or a piece of toast or a solo his arms no longer had the energy to perform he was one step closer to that breaking point. 

So he choked back the tears that were threatening to spill over. His hands that were gripping the porcelain of the sink moved to his pocket. He made eye contact with the man in the bathroom mirror of the studio as he downed two more pills, swallowing them out of spite and tried not to think about how he couldn't even recognize himself as he went back to the booth. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long guys, my life is kicking my ass rn.


	18. Chapter Seventeen- Taking All My Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry guys. the past two chapters have been so bad i kind of want to delete them.
> 
> oh hey side update btw--   
> other than mentally my life's going alrightish. i have this absolutely terrible job but it's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and i kind of accidentally joined a band but i haven't showed up for any practices and also all the members are at least twice (if not three-times) my age.   
> aaaaaadddditionally i am now doing some side work designing tattoos for this rad old man i met who showed me his marijuana plant  
> life is okay

**Chapter Seventeen**

The day was going by so slowly and all Josh wanted was to curl up in a ball in a dark room for a long time. 

All day had been meeting after meeting- meetings with management, with bus companies, with advertising groups, with other labels. Tyler and Josh were shuffled between high rises and restaurants, conference rooms to secluded and reserved booths, taking taxi after taxi from one end of Los Angeles to the other. 

Josh was exhausted. The restaurant meetings were the worst. It wasn't the people they were meeting with- most of their companions knew how many meetings the pair were being dragged too and they couldn't be expected to eat everywhere they went when they were stopping at 3 restaurants in the span of 4 hours. Tyler knew though. Unlike the photographer across the table showing them lighting samples, Tyler had been at the last meeting with Josh and knew that he hadn't even glanced at the menu there either. Josh didn't care though, his mind was in an ativan fog, as he sipped his diet Coke through a straw with content. He was just glad he wasn't plateauing anymore, it had been almost a week since the scale recorded any difference. When he saw the number, just a few decimals lower than it had been for the past four days, it felt like progress. 

He wasn't that small yet, anyways. He had mostly just lost all of his muscle- but the magazines and health articles had already told him that muscle would be the first to go. It was preventable, of course, but Josh could hardly find the time to work out anymore- or the energy. Life alone felt like a workout at this point. 

The cafe they were meeting the band in was cute, in a rustic-but-indie kind of way. The walls were a comforting shade of beige, with a high, intricately designed plaster coffered ceiling that seemed to predate the rest of the furnishings- other than the beat up wood floors, which were almost vintage even under all of the stains and scratches. The walls were adorned with what looked like local art- mostly landscapes with a few classical portraits. With a quick glance around Tyler and Josh could tell that the other band hadn't arrived yet- most of the patrons were solo, sitting hunched over laptops and books. 

"Can I help you guys?" An agonizingly familiar voice pulled Josh out of his thoughts. Tyler strutted up to the counter, about to list off his order when Josh's eyes met those of the barista, "Josh?" 

"Matty," Josh breathed, stumbling from his spot next to the door to stand next to Tyler, "What's up, man?" 

"Oh, y'know, work." Matty chuckled but it didn't meet his eyes, which were roaming over Josh in a way that made his stomach clench, "You?" 

"Same," He gulped, anxiety chewing away at his insides. He hadn't seen Matty since that night, the night Matty carried him home. Tyler looked between the two of them, not quite understanding what was going on. The guy- Matty- he looked worried, which surprised Tyler more than it should have considering that was the only thing he felt towards Josh anymore. Josh, on the other hand, just looked anxious. 

"Well, um," Matty said, clearing his throat after a few awkward moments of silence, "What can I get for you guys?" 

"I'll have a medium amaretto latte," Tyler said without even peering at the large menu board behind Matty, digging his wallet out. Matty looked at Josh expectantly. 

"Large doubleshot americano, black," He mumbled around the fingernails he had been intently chewing on. Matty nodded with a small smile before turning to the espresso machine. Josh kept his eyes locked on the man behind the counter, watching as he gracefully moved between the machinery, fingers nimbly hitting buttons and grasping cups and bottles without even glancing in their direction. He looked so different here, at work. His long hair was pulled back into a man-bun, which oddly didn't look all that obnoxious on him. His clothes were still pretty ragged, but the ripped jeans and faded t-shirt made him look at home in the cozy atmosphere of the cafe. Soft rock music played through the speakers, and Matty's fingers tapped to the rhythm on the side of the metal pitcher as he steamed the milk for Tyler's latte. 

"Here you go!" Matty said, setting the two cups in front of the men. Josh dug his wallet out while Tyler riffled through his, pulling out a card. Matty held a hand up, "Nah, it's on the house." 

"Are you-" Tyler started but Matty cut him off. 

"It's cool, Josh and I are pals," He smiled and Josh couldn't hold back the one that took over his own face. Tyler nodded hesitantly, curiosity tugging at every cell in his body, but he brushed it off for now. He could interrogate Josh later. Besides, there was a line gathering behind the pair. 

They chose a quiet table towards the back, one with enough chairs for the two of them and the four that would be joining them in any moment. Josh pulled his phone out to check the time and scroll through Twitter, hoping it would be enough to convince Tyler not to talk to him. It was getting ridiculous how reluctant he was to talk to his best friend and band mate. Every conversation just felt so tense, and Josh was tired of the guilt that came along with knowing he had caused that. He had only got a few tweets in before a chair across the table was pulled out, the scraping noise unexpected enough to cause Josh to jump and nearly send his coffee across the room. 

"Did I scare 'ya?" A man chuckled, voice laced with an obscenely thick Australian accent. Josh's eyebrows knit together in frustration and embarrassment as he looked up at the man who had startled him. He looked to be in his young twenties- tan, but not obnoxiously so, with caramel-highlighted brunette hair falling in thick waves around his face and ending towards the lobes of his ears. His teeth were blindingly white, his skin annoyingly clear. Tyler hopped up out of his own seat, sticking his hand out across the table.

"Hey, man, glad you could make it!" He said, pasting on that nervous-squinty smile that always came out during these kinds of meetings. The man took his hand with a grin, shaking it almost aggressively. 

"Wouldn'ta missed it for the world," He oozed, as three other guys gathered at the table. The same interaction was repeated, with only minute differences. Josh shook hands with them all, pasting on a smile he hoped didn't look as uncomfortable as it felt. His gazed roamed over the men in front of them- despite having binge-listened to their music over the past week with Tyler during down time in the studio he he hadn't yet gotten around to actually looking into their image. 

They were called BlueScreen, a sort of indie rock band from Australia. They were a bit more Arctic Monkeys/The 1975/The Neighbourhood than Josh had expected but they were still _amazing_ , and the label thought that the contrast between their music might bring in a different (bigger) crowd. 

There was the first guy- his name was Toby. He seemed nice after you got past the seemingly-arrogant air of his appearance. After spending more than five seconds with him Josh came to realize he really wasn't all that arrogant, more anxious than anything but that was to be expected. He was strong, Josh could tell from his biceps and the solid build of his chest under the faded black Nirvana t-shirt, but not overly so. It looked good on him. 

Next to him was Michael, who kind of looked like a dick but revealed himself to be an absolute sweetheart when he accidentally kicked Tyler's shin under the table and turned cherry red, apologizing far more than necessary. He had a sharp jawline and high cheekbones, with eyes and hair so brown that they almost looked black. 

Then there was Phoenix, who seemed almost too young to be coming all the way from Australia to tour around America with Twenty One Pilots, even at the band's insistence that he was 19. He had soft honey-bronze hair, with just the slightest curl, paired with those watery blue eyes and sad features- all coming together to give off young Leonardo DiCaprio vibes. The thought made Josh kind of sad- he knew Tumblr was going to eat this boy up. 

The final member was Harley- potentially the tiniest man Josh had ever seen. It wasn't that he was short- his height had nothing to do with it. It was how he was wearing a t-shirt and a flannel underneath a leather jacket when it was nearly 70°- not that Josh could talk when he had all that and two pairs of jeans on. And despite all of the clothes, you could still tell that there wasn't much underneath besides skin and bone. He had deep brown eyes- which were just a little to weary to be considered inquisitive. His ashy brunette hair fell in curls, just barely grazing his neck. His features were sharp but delicate. But he kept giving Josh this look- it almost seemed like pity. 

The topic of conversation was setlists. Despite the record label's insistence that this was a good idea, it was getting harder and harder to figure out how to mesh the two genres together. Their themes were too different, the aesthetics off. It frustrated Josh to no end- it was becoming abundantly clear that this may just be one of their label's plans to get Tyler and Josh to change their music up. The label was more worried about Tyler and Josh going mainstream than they were about quality music- but that was their job, Josh figured. 

They had been there for a couple hours when they decided to call it a day. It was their last meeting of the day and Josh was more than ready to retreat to his apartment and lose himself in a bowl. They had come to a sort of arrangement but it was looking like they may both being doing some more writing and producing- which almost made Josh scream in frustration because that meant more studio days and he was _so over_ studio days. But then he thought about how it would put off tour and then he felt a little better. 

They discarded of all of their cups and gathered at the door to say their goodbyes. They'd be meeting again later that week, so it was just kind of an awkward 'see you later' type thing. Josh could feel Matty's eyes on him- as they had been for the majority of the time there. It wasn't a penetrating gaze... he just looked sad. 

He was about to walk out when he heard his name get called from behind him. He swiveled his head around to see Matty gazing at him from behind the counter, leaning against it slightly. Josh turned to Tyler. 

"I'll wait for you outside," He said, curiosity burning even more intensely in his brain than it had been before. 

"Hey, what's up?" Josh asked, carefully maintaining eye contact with anything but Matty. 

"I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay, and-" Matty said quietly, face flushing as he added, "You never texted me." 

"Oh shit!" Josh said, vague memories from that night popping into his brain- his phone on the coffee table, Matty trying to give him his number, the ink running down his hands in the shower the next day- and Josh's inexplicable inability to remember what the fuck he'd had written on his arm. "I totally forgot- not forgot, but you kno-" 

"It's okay!" Matty interrupted Josh's babbling, giving him a soft smile. Josh's mouth snapped closed and he smiled back, sheepishly. "Here," Matty said, pulling his phone from his back pocket, "Why don't you put your number in my phone." 

"A-alright," Josh said, taking the phone. He handed it back, "Text me sometime, maybe we can get coffee- well maybe not coffee, I bet you get enough of that here, but-"

"Alright," Matty chuckled, turning to walk away but stopping himself and turning back. "Josh, you are alright though, right?" 

"Of course!" Josh said, trying to make it sound believable, "Yeah, man, I'm great- fantastic actually. I'm - I gotta go." 

Josh turned and practically ran out the door, only turning his head as he exited to remind Matty to text him, leaving the other man a dizzying mixture of amused and confused. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this chapter was okay. i actually tried on it but i found out that this chick in my class died like two hours ago and so i'm kind of s h o o k (not in a disrespectful way i'm just so bad at processing my own emotions)  
> but anyways i hope this one wasn't a PIECE OF FUCKING GARBAGE like the last two  
> (honestly i'm so sorry guys i just read through some ofthe older chapters and like theyr'e ALIRGHT but JESUS FUCK i need to figure out what POV this story's gonna be in i'm soooo sorry)


	19. Chapter Eighteen- I'm Here At the Beginning of the End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guysss shit's been rough but i'm keeping it together  
> in other news i'm relapsing and i'm going to take it out on josh (idk why i'm mentioning this, that's pretty much the whole reason this fic exists i may as well make that the summary)  
> i hope you guys are all doing well i actually am personally madly in love with each and every one of you and also we're fiances now, you have no choice sorry i don't make the rules -,_('-')_,- ((jk if it makes you uncomfortable i'm just high))

**Chapter Eighteen**

Josh had the day off. After the violent assault of meetings the day before, the managers had decided to give the boy's a break and let them do their own things- besides the phone meeting that was scheduled for 5 pm Los Angeles time.

Josh knew realistically that he needed to get out of bed- he needed to get out of bed and brush his teeth and wash his hair and his face and put real clothes on and wash the dirty ones that were piling up all too quickly and do the dishes (even though he wasn't really using them all that much any more- it was mostly just mugs) and he needed to outside and on and on and on. When he looked at it like that it just seemed like way too much. It was pointless. Why should he get out of bed? He wouldn't be doing anything meaningful anyways. It seemed pointless to continually do the same menial tasks over and over, week after week. 

Life itself seemed so redundant in a way that made Josh feel hopeless. The whole world felt like something was deeply wrong with it and Josh felt as if he was the only one who noticed. It was lonely- who could possibly give him any comfort when the problem was existence? It made him nauseous and dizzy to think about it, so he rolled over onto his other side and closed his eyes. His bed was the only place he felt any semblance of happiness anymore. He wanted to stay there, wrapped in his comforter and the darkness of the curtained room forever. But he could hear his phone pinging. It was behind him on the nightstand, he knew it was probably Tyler or Matty or Joe or management or any of the other people who insisted they only wanted the best for him. For the time being- Josh knew that the best place for him was the bed. Besides, he highly doubted he could get out of it today without at least one meltdown. 

However the pinging got the best of him.  _ Maybe I could just check who's messaging me and then turn it back off and roll back over, _ he reasoned, knowing it wouldn't work. Once he viewed the senders he knew he would feel obligated to answer them. Besides, he didn't like to worry them. 

**Tyler:** Hey! Jenna and I are going to the beach with some other people, wanna come?

**Tyler:** You can bring your friend if you want, Matt or whatever?

**Tyler:** Well, we're going at 1, let me know if you're coming

It was only 11:30, which would have given Josh time to prepare mentally if it weren't for the fact that he was in no state physically to be bouncing around the beach in a pair of swim trunks. He pretended to think about it, but he knew what his answer was anyways. 

**Josh:** idk, man. i'm not feeling super great today... thought i might just stay in

He was content with his response, and besides, it wasn't  _ that  _ untrue. He really didn't feel well, and he had in fact thought about staying in- not only that, but he intended on it. He was snuggling back down into the comforter, pulling the fabric around him tighter and hugging the pillow beneath his head, when his phone pinged again.  _ Probably just Tyler saying it was cool _ , he told himself, closing his eyes and begging sleep to pull him under. To his disappointment, sleep never came- all that kept Josh company was the incessant pinging of his phone that he could no longer pretend was Tyler agreeing to leave Josh alone. He sighed and pushed himself up, ignoring the dizziness that accompanied the half-sitting position he now found himself in. 

**Tyler:** Come on, man, it'll be funnnn

**Tyler:** plllllleeeeeeeaaaaasssseeee

**Tyler:** we haven't done anything together in forever

**Tyler:** you're always staying in these days, i miss the old Josh

That last text sent a stake straight though Josh's heart, an organ he didn't even know still functioned. He had felt so numb lately that he expected to feel massive relief from even the worst emotion- but the temperature of the guilt that was flooding his brain made his blood run cold. Every insecurity Josh had been obsessing over for the past year had been confirmed- he wasn't enough anymore, he was  _ letting Tyler down _ . 

**Josh:** alright, alright. i'll see what matty's up to

**Tyler:** yay! see you later!

-

Josh hated this part. He stood in the hallway of his apartment, glaring at the man in the mirror. He was wearing his swim trunks, which had somehow gotten too big and were now hardly hanging on by the knot in the drawstring. How could someone look so big and so small at the same time? He knew he was big- he was far too big for his own liking- but at the same time he knew he was almost too small to get away without any confrontation from his friends. 

He had let himself go. Relapse was by far the worst part of recovery- no one had warned him of this. No one had warned him of the way he'd be feeling- that nauseating self consciousness that burned so deeply inside him that it threatened to flip his whole world upside down. He yearned for the days when he was a teenager- when all of his friends had always known him as small. If he lost five pounds no one thought anything of it, Josh was tiny, sometimes he lost weight but he always kept himself in check- never passing out anywhere, always making sure to eat just enough to keep himself from dying. No one worried about him and everything was fine. But he let himself get better, he let himself  _ go.  _ He didn't just get healthy, he built himself up- built himself as big as a house. All of that muscle was so unnecessary, there was no reason for him to be that size. It was better this way. 

And yet he couldn't quite convince himself of that as he gazed in the mirror, noting how ribs and hip bones stuck out just enough that would draw Tyler and Jenna's gazes towards them, filling their minds with anxiety and their eyes with concern. It all made Josh want to throw up- which was almost hilariously ironic considering they were going to be upset about how small he was and how throwing up would just make him smaller. Josh was obscenely intimate with throwing up these days. 

He jumped when the buzzer went off- he never had any visitors anymore, he'd almost forgotten all about it's existence. Matty must be here.  _ Fuck _ . Josh ran into the bedroom, grabbing a t-shirt before letting Matty in. If anyone asked he didn't want to get sunburn. 

He grabbed an oversized hoodie as an afterthought- he was chilly. 

"Hey, man," Matty said, stumbling into the apartment. His hair was down, flowing out wildly around his head. He had on a faded beige Linkin Park t-shirt over a pair of pink and blue swim trunks, bare feet shoved into untied leather boots. His eyes were bloodshot but there was a smile pasted to his face

"Fuck, bro, are you high?" Josh asked, closing the door and turning as Matty settled onto the couch. Matty just nodded and pulled something out of his pocket, holding it out to Josh. 

"Here, take a couple rips." 

Josh took the dab pen gratefully, he had been hoping he could get high before they went to the beach but didn't want to risk smelling like pot around Tyler and Jenna. He didn't know why but he still felt uncomfortable with Tyler knowing he smoked, even cigarettes. He hadn't been all that discreet when Tyler had been living with him but he was still pretty sure it was all under wraps and he wanted to keep it that way. 

"So what's the plan?" Matty asked as Josh coughed his lungs up, falling into the couch next to him. 

"Probably just head down to the beach, swim a bit, maybe have a couple drinks depending on how Tyler and Jenna are feeling." Josh said absentmindedly, taking another hit off the pen. He checked the time on his phone, Jenna and Tyler would be there soon. The pen was helping to curb his anxiety, but only so much. He found himself standing from the couch, hitting the pen again. 

"You alright?" Matty asked, watching Josh pace back and forth across the living room on spindly, feeble legs. He noted the sweatshirt, how Josh was somehow seemingly cold even when his apartment felt like it was 80°. 

"Huh?" Josh asked, pausing and looking up at Matty. He was about to go on when his phone went off. Tyler was calling. 

"Hey?" He said into the phone, turning slightly from Matty, who kept his eyes glued on Josh regardless, "Yeah... uh uh... okay we'll be down in a second," 

He hung up the phone and grabbed his backpack off the floor, shouldering it and holding the door for Matty. 

Jenna and Tyler were waiting outside in the back of an Uber. A pang of guilt struck Josh has he realized that they still weren't comfortable driving yet. He tried to shrug it off, climbing in after Matty. 

"Hey, man," Matty said, holding his fist out to Tyler. Tyler returned the gesture awkwardly, leaving Josh fumbling to mask a small smile. Jenna held out her hand for a handshake, which gave Matty a turn to be awkward. 

"It's nice to meet you, Matty," She said politely, blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail with sunglasses perched on the top of her head. Matty took her slender hand in his large one, shaking it almost aggressively but pairing it with that dopey lopsided smile- the one that never failed to give Josh butterflies, even when it wasn't directed at him. 

"Nice to meet you too, ma'am," He said, the formal words sounding almost comical in his goofy, slurred tone of voice. 

"So, Tyler tells me you work in a coffee shop," She said conversationally as the driver pulled out onto the highway, "I actually used to be a barista too," 

"Oh yeah?" Matty said, leaning forward against her seat. 

The two conversed among themselves, either not noticing or choosing not to acknowledge the tense silence between the band mates. Josh sat with his chin perched on his elbow, gazing absentmindedly out the window at the buildings and cars rushing past. Tyler sat in front of him, eyebrows furrowed in deep thought. He had noticed the sweatshirt, and the way Josh's thighs hardly touched when he walked. He noticed the way his swim trunks seemed to sag right off of him, despite them fitting perfectly months ago when they had gone swimming at the end of tour. He was furious about it, furious about how his best friend was self-destructing right in front of him and about how he felt powerless to do anything about. 

They were getting close to the beach and Jenna and Matty had seemingly ran out of things to talk about. The silence was getting overpowering and Josh was actually relieved when the ocean came into view- almost forgetting that arriving meant taking off his sweatshirt and possibly his shirt. 

The driver stopped in the parking lot and Tyler pulled out his wallet. 

"I've got it," Josh said, already handing the cash up to Jenna, who passed it on to the front. The driver thanked him graciously, noticing the generous tip, and the group gathered their things and exited the vehicle.

The beach was thankfully quiet- one of the perks of going in the 'winter'. They found a place pretty far off from where the small crowds had gathered, preferring to be more isolated than have the amenities close by. Beach towels were laid out, Tyler dropped a folding chair unceremoniously into the sand, still folded. A suspicious looking picnic basket was set next to the cooler, sending a wave of anxiety through Josh which he fought to push down. Instead of worrying about it, he cautiously peeled off his sweatshirt, immediately regretting it and trying to suppress a shiver. He had no reason to be cold- it was plenty warm out. Maybe he was coming down with something. 

The excitement that sparked in his chest disgusted him-  _ a legit excuse to pass up food _ . 

His hands shook gently and he remembered he hadn't taken any pills today. He was half proud but half nervous- he hadn't gone a full day without any sort of medication to help curb the sharpness of reality. Sure, he was high now, but the few rips he took off the dab pen would only last him so long. 

"You want one?" Matty asked, pulling Josh out of his head. He looked up to see a cigarette being held out in his direction. Panic coursed through him has his eyes darted to Tyler and Jenna. Of course, Tyler's wide-eyed gaze was glued on Josh, waiting to see what Josh would do. Josh desperately wanted to take it from Matty's hand, to light it and let the calming effects of the nicotine temporarily overtake the anxiety that was constantly at the forefront of his mind. But he couldn't. 

"Nah, I'm good," Josh said, swallowing harshly. He busied his hands with the drawstring on his shorts, avoiding Matty's inquisitive gaze. 

"Alright, man, suit yourself," Matty said, sticking the cigarette between his lips and fumbling for a lighter. 

It really was a beautiful day out, yet Josh couldn't help but wish he was in bed at home. He was guilty- he knew he was killing the whole mood. He just couldn't have fun anymore- maybe he was out of practice, maybe he just had lost that ability permanently. He wanted to- he wanted to be able to take his shirt off and run straight into the ocean with his best friend. He wanted to enjoy the feeling of the warm sand under his feet, he wanted to be happy. It just felt so impossibly far away. 

"Aren't you gonna take your shirt off, Josh?" Tyler asked pointedly, discarding his own next to the picnic basket. Panic welled up in Josh and he grasped for an excuse that wouldn't sound like a blatant lie. No matter how fast his thoughts seemed to race he couldn't find anything that would work- everything sounded so lame and unbelievable. His mouth fell open but nothing came out, and Tyler- fuck, Josh couldn't take the knowing in Tyler's eyes. They told him that he knew everything. 

"Fuck that," Matty said, breaking the silence. He gazed out at the ocean, taking a long drag from his cigarette, "It's too fucking sunny out, I'm leaving mine on. Fuck sunburn." 

"Y-yeah," Josh stuttered lamely, heart bursting with admiration for the man standing next to him. Tyler's eyes were still on Josh, annoyance flaring in his mind- not for Matty, just for the fact that Josh had once again avoided Tyler's confrontation. There was something going on and Tyler was set on figuring it out before it was too late. 

-

They didn't stay at the beach for very long. Despite the weather being beautiful when they had arrived, the clouds started rolling in soon enough and the air was thick with the smell of rain. 

They stood in the parking lot, waiting for yet another Uber to come and pick them up. 

"I'm starving," Matty said, relacing and actually tying his boots for once. 

"Yeah, I had a picnic packed but I'm not sure that's gonna work out now," Tyler said, glancing at the gloomy sky above them. 

"We could drop our stuff off at home and then all go out for something to eat," Jenna suggested, checking the time on her Fitbit. Josh groaned inwardly, he had been hoping that the weather would have given him an early ticket home. He didn't want to go out for food, he just wanted to go collapse in his dark bedroom and call it a week. 

"I'm down," Matty said, straightening back up and pushing his hair out of his face. 

"You in, Josh?" Tyler asked, giving him that look again. Suddenly all eyes were on him and he felt that massive pit of panic open up inside him once again. He pushed it away, pasting a smile on that he hoped didn't give away the nervousness hiding behind it. 

"Sure," He said, hoping it didn't sound at all tentative. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this chapter's kinda rushed and short and it probably is (it was rushed, my laptop's dying and idk where the cord is).  
> if i find the cord i will add another chapter. i wasn't really done with this one but the battery's getting pretty low and i don't want to just not post anything tonight  
> love you guys be safe


	20. Chapter Nineteen- Never Means Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7-10-19  
> okay guys i'm back  
> you're actually v lucky- i was just about to post a new chapter and then i remembered that i had promised to update this lol  
> so here i am, in the future (well ig i'm actually going to be in the past by the time y'all are reading this so just letting you know: Whateverthefuckdayoftheweekitis July 10th, 2019, at around 10:24 pm Central Daylight Time, was very boring.   
> side note from midnight me: i hate myself <3

**Chapter Nineteen**

"So... are we gonna stop and change?" Josh asked, breaking the pleasant silence that had overtaken the back of the SUV. "I just mean- it might be rude to show up somewhere soaking wet and expect service. And it's not like we can sit outside." He nodded lazily at the window, where rain was audibly pounding the vehicle. Josh wasn't all that keen on speaking at the moment- mostly because he needed to find a way out of this- but this would give him a quick moment to stop at home and gather his thoughts. That, and, he was cold. 

"I mean, do we really need to stop at everyone's place?" Jenna asked, not argumentatively- Josh noticed- but it made him bristle with anxiety nonetheless. 

"I have some extra clothes, actually," Matty interrupted, holding up his backpack in gesture, "But- I only have enough for me." 

"Well, that's convenient," Tyler said with a tinge of amusement, "But no, for real, I can loan some to Josh." 

"Okay, great!" Jenna said, grinning and clapping her hands together, and she turned to relay the new plans to the driver. 

Meanwhile, the small 'bristle' of anxiety he had felt only moments prior had snowballed into a massive avalanche, dangling gently but threateningly just a few inches from his head. He kept his eyes glued on the blurry scene rushing past his window, focusing every brain cell on the _tap-tap_ sound of the rain on the roof of the car. _It's okay_ , he thought to himself. Maybe if he tried hard enough he could just climb inside his head and hide. 

The ride to Tyler's was quiet, but not uncomfortable- for everyone void of Josh, who was nursing his inner turmoil, trying to snuff flames into ash, or at least keep the flame small and manageable. The peak moment of the trip was when Matty tried to change into dry shorts in the SUV, the waistband of his wet swim trunks halfway to his knee before Tyler noticed and suggested maybe he just use the bathroom at his and Jenna's place. This was met with a musical chuckle and adorable blush on Matty's end that Josh _really_ wished he was in the mood to appreciate. 

They pulled up to the large, tan sandstone house far too quickly for Josh's liking. They all climbed out of the vehicle, and Josh had to blink away the storm clouds that gathered in his vision. 

The house was warmer than it had been when Josh had been there before- not temperature-wise, Josh was still _freezing_ \- but he could definitely see the difference it had made having both it's inhabitants actually living there full-time. The curtains were wide open, allowing the few beams of sunlight stabbing through the clouds to filter in through the window and into the living room, casting shadows on the mahogany hardwood floors and the cherry red walls. Tyler threw his green backpack onto the over-sized plush sofa while Jenna wandered into the kitchen to deposit the picnic basket. Matty stood awkwardly in front of the door behind Josh, still somehow dripping on the welcome mat and clutching his backpack to his chest. 

"Oh! Bathroom down the hall to the left. And... uh," Tyler stifled a chuckle as Matty pointed to his now muddy boots, "Yeah shoes can stay there."

Matty kicked off his shoes and ventured down the hallway, leaving Tyler and Josh alone in the living room. 

"Okay, clothes!" Tyler clapped his hands, following Matty down the hall. Josh followed awkwardly, not really knowing if that's what he was supposed to do but not caring enough to worry about it. He was doing enough worrying already. 

He didn't want to wear Tyler's clothes. Either they would be too big or too small or they'd fit just right and Josh didn't know which scenario would be worse. He wished more than anything that he could have stopped off at his own place- where he maybe could have coaxed Matty into letting him that dab pen a couple more times. 

But every cloud has a silver lining- and Josh's silver lining was the 15mg of ativan he was toting in his backpack and the chance that'd he'd be able to change in the bathroom. 

Tyler was digging through his dresser, and desperately trying to sneak a glance at Josh in the mirror on the wall over it, trying to gauge what he's feeling- and more importantly, what clothes he was going to give to him. During tour Tyler had always had his baggier shirts reserved for Josh, and sweatpants- or at least something with a stretchy waistband. But Josh had been bigger then- and not even in a fat way. He was strong then, back when he was lifting instead of skipping breakfast, and probably lunch and dinner for that matter. He knew that now he'd probably need a belt to keep even Tyler's tightest jeans from sliding off his shrinking waist. 

Josh caught the bundle of clothes with little ease, but he tried to make it look as graceful as possible despite this. Tyler was wearing a tight-lipped, almost pained looked when he turned around but he quickly tried to paste on an easy smile. It was pointless- Josh had already seen the stress Tyler was in manifested in that short-lived facial expression. 

"Here 'ya go, hopefully that'll fit," Tyler said, trying to keep shit casual. It was a familiar phrase, he'd said it on tour a million times when Josh unfortunately came to realization exactly how much one had to pack for a journey like that. But they were miles from that place now, both physically and metaphorically. The underlying message was no longer 'I hope these stretch over your muscles', now replaced with 'I hope you don't drown in these and look like a child wearing their parent's clothing'. 

Josh stood awkwardly hugging the bundle of clothes as Tyler pulled his own shirt off, glancing at Josh and noticing his inactivity. 

"Oh," Tyler said, picking a dry t-shirt out of the dresser, "I figured we've already seen pretty much anything, and I'm pretty sure Matty's still in the bathroom-"

"Yeah, yeah!" Josh babbled, setting the bundle on the bed and pulling at his sweatshirt, "No it's cool." 

Tyler shot him another smile, but it was a tight-lipped one, making it look too close to the stressed-out face and sending a wave of near-crushing guilt over Josh as he peeled the sweatshirt off nervously. Tyler fought to keep his curious gaze from wandering to the mirror. 

Josh turned around when he got to his shirt. Even though his ribs didn't stick out enough in his eyes he knew they would in Tyler's. 

He tried to be quick but his hands were shaking. If he was changing in Tyler's room that meant he wouldn't get that shot at privacy to down a few pills. He could always say he needed to pee but that would be a lie, and he felt so _fucking guilty_ when he lied to Tyler. 

But he was lying so much these days did it really even matter? 

Fear struck Tyler and he held back a frustrated hiss. He had let his gaze slip to the mirror as Josh dropped his shirt onto the floor. He had seen his best friend's spine, and the faint outline of ribs pressing against the skin of his mid back. He lowered his eyes, focusing on peeling off the wet swim trunks, and keeping himself from turning around and shaking Josh by the shoulder's. 

The urge was even stronger when he turned around. 

Josh was swimming in Tyler's clothes. He had pulled his sweatshirt back on over the baggy Mayday Parade t-shirt, but it didn't hide how loose Tyler's sweatpants were on him, even with the drawstring pulled tight and knotted. The sweatpants still hung limply from his hips, and the butt sagged just far enough to make him look like he could be wearing a diaper underneath. Tyler tried to keep the shock and frustration from his face, simply smiling instead. Josh returned it, but it was weak. The elephant in this room was scrawny, but still big enough to make the two of them feel like they were suffocating- an ironic and contradicting state that Josh was all too familiar with. 

They regathered in the living room, now all in dry clothing. Josh carefully took in the outfits of the other's, wondering how they'd survive the chill outside in so little clothing. Tyler wore a black floral, short sleeve button up with a pair of black chino shorts. Matty was dressed similarly, if not slightly sloppier, in camouflage green cargo shorts and a Hellyeah t-shirt. Jenna wore a floral summer dress with a light sweater. Josh suddenly felt ridiculously overdressed in the sweatpants and sweatshirt. 

"Are we all ready?" Jenna asked, fumbling with the strap of her purse as she worked it over her shoulder. 

"Uh, I'm gonna use the bathroom," Josh said, trying not to sound nervous. 

He closed the door behind him and switched the lock, taking a deep breath before facing himself in the mirror. He looked like a baby, but not an actual baby- he looked like the _concept_ of a baby, or maybe just an underdeveloped adult in some way. He was small, way too small. His hair was getting too long, falling in dark tendrils around his too white, too sharp face. He looked like he was made out of paper, except for the dark bruise-like rings around his bloodshot eyes. The all-black clothing didn't help with the pallor, and the bagginess of his clothes didn't help with the nearing skeletal state of his body. 

He drug his eyes from the sad image in front of him, sliding the backpack off his shoulder and reaching in, digging to the very bottom. His hand clasped the small plastic cylinder, pulling it out quietly to keep it from rattling too loudly. 

And just like that, 15mg of ativan were melting safely under his tongue as he flushed the toilet, pretended to wash his hands, and unlocked the bathroom door. 

It was time for dinner. 

-

The restaurant Matty had suggested was cute. They were seated at a white table pushed up against the white wall- the whole room bathed in a soft pink light that made it almost look like it was blushing. In the center of the table was a small, clear vase holding a single cherry blossom branch. Josh gazed at the branch, rapt in envy and awe of the delicateness of it. He wanted to look like that branch- not even in a realistic way, he wanted to _be_ that branch. 

His lazily pulled his eyes from the branch to the menu sitting in front of him. It was simple- one laminated page, front and back. At the top was something written in Chinese characters, with translations typed underneath in minuscule black font. A tiny bubble of anxiety formed inside of him as his eyes wandered down the page- they didn't have the calories printed next to the food. 

"Hello, how is everyone doing today?" Josh's head snapped up at the sound of a new voice. The waitress was looking around at them cheerfully, a polite smile painted on her face. She wore her black hair back in a tight bun, and she was wearing a light purple sweater over a white blouse. 

"Great!" Matty said from beside Josh, startling the quiet man with his enthusiasm. He set his menu down and looked expectantly at the others. 

"Were you ready to order?" The waitress asked, pulling a notepad from the back pocket of her dark wash jeans. 

"I am," Tyler replied, handing his menu across the table to Matty, before returning the smile to the woman. 

Tyler ordered the beef lo mein, Jenna the shrimp chow mei fun, and Matty the pork fried rice and some crab rangoon. Suddenly all eyes were on Josh as he fumbled to hide trembling hands under the table. He cleared his throat and tried not to look nervous as he ordered a bowl of egg drop soup. 

"That's all you're getting?" Jenna asked innocently, handing her menu to Matty as well. Josh felt his face heat up as he tried to hide the shaking in his hands enough to pass his menu to Matty. Much to his relief, Matty picked his up off the table and added it to the pile, handing it to the waitress. 

"He can have some of my crab rangoon," He said, sending Josh's heart plummeting into his stomach. "So I hear you guys are going on tour."

"Yes," Tyler smiled enthusiastically, eyes twinkling as he started babbling, "We aren't quite sure when it's going to be yet- we still have a lot to work on, and even _more_ now, but we're working with this other band and hopefully thing's'll be settled sometime in the next couple of months."

"That's gotta be fun," Matty said, leaning back in his seat, "Just travelling, being on the open road for that long. It's gotta be relaxing," 

Josh bit back a bitter smirk. _Sure,_ he thought, _relaxing_. 

"You should come visit us sometime. Jenna's done it before- it's a little difficult figuring out the date with us being on the road and her trying to catch a plane and getting to actually be in the same city for once, but it's super fun!" Jenna nodded eagerly, blonde hair bouncing as she looked between her husband and the man across the table. 

Josh was a million miles away again. He wanted to pay attention to the conversation but his mind kept slipping away from him, running into the empty darkness of the pill induced haze, which welcomed him with arms wide open. He could vaguely smell the aroma of the Chinese food around him, his stomach aching mildly in hunger. He liked it, it made him feel whole. He really didn't want that feeling to go away. 

The woman returned with their drinks; setting down two Cokes, a glass of unsweetened iced tea, a white ceramic mug, and a thermal carafe of coffee. Matty reached for the coffee and the mug, chuckling. 

"You'd think I'd get enough of the stuff at work," He joked, a lighthearted smile lighting up his features. Tyler and Jenna laughed at the remark, and Josh was in _awe_. He didn't understand how Matty could so easily come up with things to say. Whenever it was Josh's turn in the conversation his brain always went empty. He always felt so far away from everyone, like he was looking through a thick glass window at the world from deep inside his head. He wanted to be out there with them, he wanted to _connect_ , but he was trapped. Maybe it was better that way. 

"Oh _shit_ ," Tyler said, glancing down at his phone. He held it up for Josh to see- he was getting a call. 

_Oh_. 

"Maybe we should take this outside," Tyler suggested, pushing his chair back from the table. Josh followed suit, sending a small smile in Matty's direction. 

They exited the restaurant. A small breeze rustled down the street, sending a chill through Josh. He pulled his baggy sweatshirt tighter around himself as Tyler answered the call, putting it on speaker so the two of them could hear whatever bullshit their agent had to tell them. 

"Okay guys," The man said on the other side of the phone. Josh tried to picture where he was- probably in a hotel somewhere. He vaguely remembered being told that Martin was going to be somewhere on the East coast... maybe New York? "So, some bad news. I got your request for more time to work on the album and i'm sorry but it just can't be done. Everything's already been booked, we have the whole tour ready. You guys are set to leave three weeks from now."

"Wait, are you kidding?" Tyler looked at Josh incredulously, and Josh could see the anger behind Tyler's eyes. "Martin, we can't- the band you guys set us up with, they're a completely different genre- we all are going to need to come up with some new material-"

"Sorry, guys," Martin answered flippantly. He was probably channel surfing as they spoke, lying in a luxurious bed in an upscale hotel in just his boxers and maybe a complimentary robe. "Are we done?" 

"What? That's it?" Tyler asked, running a hand through his short hair, "Are you serious?" 

"Oh, I gotta go," He said, some muffled talking and bumping around coming from his end, "I'll see you guys next week, maybe you could have a set list ready for me? Okay bye!" 

"Oh my god," Tyler groaned, pocketing his phone and rubbing his face, "I can't believe this."

Josh nodded awkwardly, trying to be sympathetic. The ativan was successfully holding most of his emotions at bay, but he knew he would be pissed about this when they wore off. He felt like a spy, like an intruder, pretending to be upset as his best friend and band mate bubbled over in rage. 

"Alright," Tyler said, more to himself than Josh. He removed his hands from his face and took a deep breath. "Okay. We can deal with this tomorrow. Let's just go and have a nice dinner." 

Josh followed Tyler back inside. Jenna and Matty were engaged in an animated conversation but it fizzled off before the other two got close enough to hear. 

"You guys alright?" Jenna asked, eyebrows creasing as she took in Tyler's tight-lipped smile. 

"Yeah we saw you ripping your hair out through the window," Matty said casually, taking a sip of his coffee. 

"Oh, y'know," Tyler fell into his chair, opening his Coke, "Fuckin' Martin."

"What'd he do this time?" Jenna asked, playing with the straw in her own drink. 

"Tour's been moved up. We have three weeks and we still need to come up with at least 5 songs with the other band to make us mesh better," Josh told her, almost giddy over the fact that he actual had something useful to add to the conversation. Jenna nodded, putting a hand on her husband's shoulder. 

"That's rough," Matty said sympathetically. 

The waitress brought them their food, clearly noticing their disgruntled state and trying to counteract it by amicably asking if they needed anything else. 

"No, I think we have everything we need," Matty replied jovially, unwrapping the paper napkin from around his cutlery. The waitress nodded and smiled before rushing off to the back. 

The group quietly dug into their food, none with more hesitation than Josh. The only thing he hated more than eating when he didn't want to was eating in front of people, especially Matty and Jenna. He knew Tyler had seen him eat on numerous occasions, often more than he need to eat really. He cautiously picked up the spoon, taking only small amounts of the soup. Deep down he hoped that if he ate slowly enough he wouldn't actually have to finish it, let alone eat any of Matty's damn crab rangoon. Unfortunately for him, Matty wasn't forgetting his offer. 

"Oh," He said, smiling as he took one of the many small decorative plates the waitress had brought them. He piled half his rangoons onto it, sliding it across the table. "Here 'ya go, Josh." 

"Thank you, Matty." Josh pasted a smile onto his own face, hoping he didn't sound bitter as he glared at the offensive objects in front of him. He _really_ didn't want to eat them. It wasn't even the calories- he knew that the soup was low enough in calories that he could still afford to eat a couple of the rangoons. It was the _shape_. They were so awkward to eat. That was another thing Josh had forgotten about this mindset- not only did every group outing come with the suffocating anxiety of trying to find something low enough in calories, but then there was the additional anxiety that came with it over finding something that was also not inconvenient to eat. 

He stuck to his soup as the other's lapsed into another conversation. Josh didn't even bother trying to participate this time. He was tired, he just wanted to go to bed. 

They all finished their meals, either no one having noticed or just not cared about the half a bowl of soup Josh left sitting beside all of the rangoons Matty had given him. They made sure to leave the waitress a generous tip, before climbing into the Uber Jenna had ordered beforehand. 

"Oh, Matty, where are we dropping you off?" Jenna asked as they pulled away from the restaurant, turning to look at him. Josh noticed the way Matty hesitated before answering. 

"Oh uh, you can just drop me off at the cafe, I have a paycheck waiting for me," He said, buckling his seatbelt. _Weird_ , Josh thought. 

They dropped Matty off and headed towards Josh's apartment, which they couldn't seem to reach fast enough. When they did finally arrive, Tyler stopped Josh before he exited the vehicle. 

"Hey, so I guess you wanna meet up in the morning? I'll try and get ahold of the other band but I think we should just schedule an emergency session at the studio, maybe spend as much time trying to get shit put together over the next week as we can?" He asked, the exhaustion he must have been feeling suddenly evident on his face. 

"Yeah, sure, what time?" Josh asked, heart aching at how tired his best friend looked. He couldn't help but feel guilty, _well maybe if I worked harder Tyler wouldn't have to do all the hard shit_. 

"I don't know, maybe 8? I'll text you after I get ahold of the studio and BlueScreen." 

"Okay. Have a good night, you guys," Josh said, climbing out. Jenna smiled at him, and Tyler returned the sentiment as he typed away at his phone. 

Josh dragged himself up the stairs and through his apartment door, falling into the couch. He passed out with his bowl in one hand and lighter in the other, phone lying on the table. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7-8-19 // i work in 7ish hours and ughhhhghhhhghhghghghghhghghghghg  
> everyone's up my ass  
> i'm actually losing my mind guys, like, they say you don't know when you're crazy but  
> i know  
> i'm there it's happening. i'm not there yet actually but i am WELL on my way  
> Destination rock bottom sweaties, and i'm the only fuckin passenger.  
> if the goal is to be hospitalized before i can start college this august, then i am making some fucking progress lmao  
> fr i love you guys have a wonderful couple of days i promise i will be back and there will be some ACTUAL FUCKING PROGRESS made in this story  
> i have hella ideas guys i'm excited. this fic is not even CLOSE to being ove,r i plan on draggin gthis fucking horse as far as i can and i have a strong ass rope and a shit ton of Japanese white radishes (does someone get this? if you do: i love you and you need to get help because there's absolutely no reason for me to be referencing this it's not even funny anymore, it hasn't been since 2011 but if u still find it funn it's okay, your sense of humor (while not ideal) is still valid)


	21. Chapter Twenty- Lunatic of a God or a God of a Lunatic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been so long guys i love you i've just been busy and yeah i suck. just generally.   
> i want to go back and just live in the early 2000s. just 2000-2016, i'm good with that. i mean, i did, clearly, already live through that time (minus the 2000 part) but if i could have been a somewhat grown conscious person during that time that'd've been great.

**Chapter Twenty**

Shit was moving too quickly for Josh's brain to keep up with it. One day they were meeting for lunch in a random cafe and the next they were getting fitted for new stage outfits- which was _hell_ by the way. The seamstress- Jessica?- was maneuvering around Josh with a tape measure, raving about the size of his waist and how tiny he was in general. He thinks she suspected he was on drugs, which he was, but nothing as bad as she was probably thinking. In Josh's opinion he had a casual relationship with the drugs, and he told himself that every morning when he popped three pills and choked them down with a mouthful of his zero calorie Rockstar. 

It was a studio day. Again. It seemed like it was always a studio day, and Josh was getting pretty fucking tired of spending the majority of his weeks in that place- the lights dim to keep the vibe deep, with those little tiny blue lightbulbs built into everything to give it an eery glow. Josh leaned up against the building now, back to the smooth glass that wrapped the concrete and steel. He shivered in the early morning chill, pulling his leather jacket tighter around him and taking a drag of his cigarette. He knew it was too early, and he had no reason to worry about anyone driving up on him, but he still kept to the back entrance. 

And it was early, far too early. They weren't supposed to be there until 7:30, 7 at best, and yet here Josh was at 6:28 a.m. It had been a rough night- not in the usual way. He hadn't been partying as much, choosing to isolate himself in the rare free time that he had. He had spent most of the night rolling around his bed, desperately trying to fall into some semblance of sleep. He was tired, that wasn't the problem at all. Just standing there against the building he felt he would pass out, and yet sleep evaded him most of the night. He had given up around 5:30 and just given in, deciding that maybe it would take him a couple hours to get to the studio across L.A. But he was wrong. Even after stopping at the gas station three blocks from his apartment and wandering around for a few minutes trying to decide what he wanted he still got here too early. 

His stomach was clenching, giving him that nauseating sense of self consciousness deep in his core. Everything was uncomfortable and bright and shiny and he wanted to throw up but he knew he really should keep his breakfast down. It wasn't much- just one of those pre-made toss-in-the-microwave breakfast sandwiches all gas stations had, and the calories were really quite low for a breakfast sandwich, but he couldn't fight the disgusting feeling that washed over him. He took another drag of his cigarette, desperately hoping it would ground him and keep him close to earth. He felt like his brain would flee right out of his body and float away if it had the chance, and honestly he didn't blame it. 

The cigarette was gone too quickly though, and it didn't take him as long to smoke it as he had hoped. It still wasn't even 7 yet and he really didn't want to go inside but he felt like another cigarette that soon in the morning might be the shove his stomach needed to empty itself in the back parking lot. He took a deep breathe, not quite ready to enter the building. 

It was a beautiful morning out, he'd give it that. The sun levitated hazily over the horizon, partially silhouetting skyscrapers threatening to burst the serene scene like popping a bubble. The sky surrounding the sun was painted in a soft pastel collage of pinks and orange, gradating lightly into each other before fading back out into that baby blue that concealed the darkness of outerspace beyond. Josh inhaled softly but deeply, taking in the crisp air and letting his lungs wake up around it. _Fuck it_ , he thought, reaching in his backpack for the familiar little box and pulling another cigarette out. He had time and he knew he would want one later when it would be impossible to get away. _To future Josh!_ He thought sardonically. 

"Someone's an early riser," A deep voice wrapped in a suffocatingly thick Australian accent started Josh from his reverie, nearly throwing his cigarette across the parking lot due to that deep-set instinct every smoker developed from starting in their teen years. Josh's wide brown eyes darted up to meet those of one of the BlueScreen members- the skinny one, what was it? Harley. Josh's memory was trash at this point. The man swaggered towards Josh through the dewy morning grass, Doc Martens collecting the condensation, giving them a wet shiny glean. Toothpick legs were wrapped in black denim, what were probably intended to be skinny jeans but fell in more of a baggy fashion on the near emaciated frame. His top-half was concealed mostly by an oversized black crewneck and ridiculously large army jacket. His ashy hair fell in limp waves, and he stared out from deep black-purple pits. His smile was a phantom, more of something he wore to mock the world. He looked as exhausted as Josh felt. 

"Oh, y'know, just a little over punctual." Josh joked, taking a rough drag from his cigarette. He didn't like smoking in front of his coworkers, but he figured it was too late to hide it at this point. His fears were relieved slightly when Harley pulled up next to him, unearthing his own cigarette from deep in his messenger bag. They lapsed into a serene silence, only broken by the sounds of the city rushing on behind them and the occasional melody of birdsong. Josh watched the smoke twirl from their lips, gathering into one collective cloud before being swirled away by the soft remnants of the morning breeze. The sun was getting higher in the sky and it lost that gentle pink backdrop it'd been sporting when Josh had arrived, taking on a more even blue texture. 

Their cigarettes burned away too quickly and suddenly it was all too close to 7 and they were heading in the door, squinting in the darkness of the staff passageway as they made their way to the staircase. Josh always took the stairs and was a little hesitant to head in that direction, knowing that their destination was on the sixth floor and that most preferred to just take the elevator, but Harley headed straight for the heavy metal door marked 'STAIRS' and Josh wasn't about to complain. 

They reached their floor out of breathe and halfway wheezing but neither mentioned the other's obvious discomfort. It seemed that the suffering was a mutual decision and Josh wasn't about to interfere when he was no better. 

It wasn't long before the rest of both bands and the crew started filtering in, Tyler arriving last with - to Josh's dismay - multiple plastic bags, balancing numerous drink trays on his arms in a way that would be amusing if it weren't for the panic brewing in the forefront of Josh's entire existence. 

"I brought breakfast!" He announced giddily, dropping the contents of his voyage on the black counters in the back. Josh's anxieties were multiplied when Tyler started handing specific things out to specific people- he had customized this breakfast and, since they hadn't spent as much time together since last tour, Josh knew that whatever his order was it wasn't going to be light. 

"Soy mocha no whip for _you_ , caramel latte extra foam for _you_ ," He called out in a singsong voice, nearly buzzing with that good-deed energy he always got. The drink tray was getting emptier and Josh tried to look nonchalant as he played on his phone, really just swiping through his Instagram feed in a way he hoped didn't look forced. His eyes took in nothing as his fingers swiped at the screen, and he hoped it wasn't obvious to those around him that he was trying _really_ hard not to throw a bitch-fit right now. "And a double-shot toffee nut latte for Josh." 

Josh took the warm paper cup from the grinning Tyler, trying not to acknowledge the double meaning made obvious from the dubious, desperate way his eyes searched Josh's face. He pasted on a smile, leaving a hint of sarcasm in his eyes for Tyler as he thanked him for the coffee. He wasn't _upset_. It was _fine_. Well, it was more of a toss-up, but it was better than it being a disaster. With the latte being doubleshot that meant that there'd be less milk in it, which was good, but it was _toffee nut_ , and god only knows how much fucking sugar goes into that syrup. So really it comes down to how generous the barista was in making this latte, but from the smell of it alone Josh wasn't betting on any hard feelings between that barista and Tyler. Which, honestly, the latte wouldn't even set him back that much, but it was the breakfast sandwich coming into the mix that made Josh feel like his stomach would tip upside down any second. 

He took a sip of the latte to stick it to Tyler, trying to ignore the glances coming from Harley and any and all connotations attached to them- Harley, who, by the way, was drinking a sugar free french vanilla skim latte. Josh buried his envy and pretending like it wasn't there. 

The plastic bags turned out to contain a few dozen donuts, the boxes of which were set out on the counter for people to help themselves. Josh declined politely, setting his latte down and entering the booth to get in a little warm-up on the drums before the session officially began. 

Josh and Tyler were up first. The crew was sitting around on their phones, they were more of just support today, only really here because they were required to be if someone was in the booth. It was more of a practice day than anything- the bands had wanted to get together for more of a jam session somewhere else but time was getting tight and management was on everyone's ass. 

"I was thinking maybe it'd be best if you guys did some of your own thing, and then we did ours and then maybe we could come together and work something out by the end of the day without killing each other or the big guys- if that works for everyone else," Toby had suggested, with that air of confidence and unassumed authority that he toted with ease. It, of course, worked for everyone else, as no one else had any idea what the plan was and was really just down for anything at this point. 

Tyler joined Josh in the booth, sending him a quick smile as he placed himself in front of the keyboard, positioning the mic and stretching his fingers a bit. Josh adjusted his own mics, twirling a stick between trembling fingers absentmindedly as he did so, anxiety curling around his internal organs and setting up camp in his fluttering heart as he realized what a bad idea it'd been to come here on no sleep. He kept his eyes glued on Tyler, waiting for the signal. They'd come so close, played together so often, that counting out loud was no longer necessary. They could read the tiniest head tilt, the most innocent finger tapping- which was starting to become a major problem for Josh as he tried to conceal all the self-destruction he'd been partaking in. But that didn't matter right now- right now was for the music, which was one thing Josh knew he couldn't screw up. The music practically ran through his veins, it was both the most challenging and effortless thing he did. 

Tyler's head started bobbing lightly, almost imperceptibly, but Josh caught it and counted the movements, tapping his foot to the rhythm Tyler was nodding out. 

And it began. 

It was a new song, one that the pair had only practiced together a couple times before. There were half-assed demos of it out in the studio, but nothing that would ever see the light of day. It was good, almost too good, too good for Tyler to be able to share it with the world, Josh knew, but also authentic Twenty One Pilots, enough so to really show BlueScreen who they were and what they were up to. Josh pounded at the drums, letting the sticks land where they may. He wasn't worried, he could play any song Tyler had helped him compose with his eyes closed at this point. The pair became one as the song wore on, Tyler's fingers dancing over the keys just an extension of Josh in the same way his arms heaving were a part of Tyler. He could feel the emotion ripping at Tyler's throat, the words tearing from his brain and scratching at his lips. The booth was filled with everything that was inside of Tyler and Josh, everything that went into that song becoming tangible so long as the music kept playing. 

But it was over almost as soon as it had began. It wasn't a _complete_ song. It was mostly complete, complete enough for them both to be happy with it, but just another reason it would never make the track list. 

As the song simmered out and the dust settled Josh set his sticks down and rose from his stool, following Tyler out of the booth. Toby whistled with his fingers and Michael shot them a double thumbs up from his position on one of the couches. He and Harley were stooped over there, leaning over a guitar and a bass respectively and making sure everything was tuned right. Pheonix was fumbling with a bag of little foam ear plugs. 

BlueScreen entered the booth and wowed everyone in the room. It was amazing to Josh that they weren't big in the U.S. yet, but no surprise that management was so desperate to get their hands on them. They were great - better than great- they were _fantastic_. They played with that new-band energy, that nobody-can-stop-us attitude. It sent pangs to Josh's heart, reminding him of the enthusiasm that threatened to overtake he and Tyler just a year before- before they were broken and beaten down by the industry, before that raw determination and passion had been drained from them.

The next couple of hours were mostly spent with the six of them straining to lean over the same notebook, Michael scrawling lyrics and ideas onto the page as fast as he could, trying to keep up with the outpouring of bickering and brainstorming filling up the studio. It was enough work trying to narrow down the ideas of one band into a uniform image, let alone trying to squeeze all six opinions into a set-list long enough to satisfy the label without compromising the quality. They'd filled up a good 2/3 of the notebook when they decided to take a break for lunch, despite it already being nearly three in the afternoon. 

They ended up in a sit down restaurant a few blocks from the studio- hipster enough to have vegan options for half of BlueScreen while still being low-key enough not to draw in a huge crowd, a quality you came to appreciate when your songs were being played on daytime radio. The six of them squeezed into a booth, despite there being more than enough seating, with that damned notebook in the center of the table. 

"What can I get for you guys to drink?" A peppy waiter asked, setting menus down in front of each of them. He had galaxy hair, gelled back into an almost quiff with a dark brown beard coming in, stubble freckling the edges and giving it an almost blurred effect. Josh's mind was swimming. He had slipped into the bathroom before they had left the studio and he could still taste the powdery flavor of the pills on his teeth, mouth gritty from letting the pills just melt rather than swallowing them whole. 

It was Tyler's turn to take notes. He flipped to the first almost-empty page, uncapping the pen and already scrawling out ideas he'd probably formed on the way to the restaurant. Josh was wedged in the corner next to him, across from Pheonix who was next to Michael who was next to Harley who was across from Toby and so on. He read over Tyler's shoulder, Toby doing the same on his other side and adding onto the song that was blooming on the page. They'd almost gotten a chorus down when their waiter returned with their drinks. 

"Are you guys ready to order?" The man asked, pulling a notepad and pen out of his back pocket and tucking the serving tray under his arm as he prepared himself for the onslaught of orders that was no doubt about to come. Josh sipped idly on his earl grey, just barely registering the voices of his companions as his eyes speed-skimmed the menu. Vegan nachos for Pheonix, a guacamole burger for Michael, a patty melt for Tyler. Harley wanted an avocado, tomato, and cucumber salad with a light vinaigrette dressing and hope bloomed in Josh's chest as he realized that salads were a socially acceptable option- as they should be, there was no reason to keep things secret when nothing was wrong. 

"Um, I'll have the house salad with no cheese and Italian dressing," Josh tried not to stumble over his words, keeping his eyes glued to the menu to avoid eye contact. 

"And I'll have the mushroom veggie burger," Toby declared, reaching out to collect all the menus. Josh ignored the unasked question hovering between he and Tyler, opting to take another sip of his tea and mull over whether it would be weirder to eat around the croutons or just pick them out from the get-go. 

The notebook was brought back to the center of attention. They had the chorus down and half of two verses by the time their food was ready, and they ate around the work. Josh volunteered to take notes this time, fork in one hand and pen in the either, trying not to obviously pay more mind to the notebook than his plate. 

Lunch went over without too much conflict, and they were out of there before they knew it- leaving the purple-haired waiter a gracious tip, of course. 

They soon found out that the booth wasn't made for two bands at once- even if one of the bands only contained two members. They'd managed to wedge two drumsets in, Josh and Pheonix trapped in their own little corners like fighters at the start of a match. Tyler and Toby were each at a mic, Tyler at the keyboard once again and Toby with a Fender slung lazily over his shoulders. Michael situated himself in between Josh's drums and Tyler, picking impatiently at random chords as everyone else got their shit figured out. Harley was in a folding chair next to one of the amps, fiddling with his bass. He looked impossibly small behind the instrument, skeletal fingers wrapping desperately around the neck. 

The hours that followed were full of frustration and the group found themselves teetering on the edge of a screaming match more than once, the stress of the day finally getting to them. They'd spent a total of nearly 10 hours in the studio before they decided to call it quits. 

"I hate to say it, guys, but this isn't working." Tyler had said, rubbing his neck from where he had been leaned over the keyboard for the past two hours. "I don't wanna throw in the towel but I think we all need to rest for a bit." 

"Hey, it's alright, mate," Pheonix said, his voice still carrying that slight pitchiness that came with youth, which oddly gave it just the right amount of innocence to bring Tyler down a notch. 

"Maybe we can all meet up somewhere later tonight?" Harley suggested, unwrapping the bass strap from his bony frame and setting it back in the case, "I mean, we really do need to get some more work done but we can all separate, take some time, and then maybe regroup somewhere with more room?" 

"I'm down," Toby called from the corner he'd retreated to, putting the cap back on his water bottle and tossing it down onto a folding chair. 

"How about my place?" Tyler suggested, standing and stretching, "My wife's having a girl's night and won't be home until tomorrow, so we'd have the whole place to ourselves to make as much racket as it takes to get some of these songs finished." 

"Sounds good to me," Michael answered. Pheonix nodded around a mouthful of water, leaving Tyler's eyes to fall on Josh in an unasked question. 

"Sure," He said, shoving trembling hands into baggy jean pockets, "Sounds good." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this chapter ended abruptlyish, it's almost 5am and i ahven't slept and i work at 9 and i'm going to kill myself but it's all good. one 10 hour shift and then i don't work again for another whole day lol but i do plan on updating again soon, if not tomorrow night then there'll be one saturday. make some racket in the comment section if it starts getting late on saturday, i probably won't forget but who fuckin knows at this point.


End file.
